


Dark deception kills the light

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Depression, First Meetings, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, M/M, May be slightly out of character, Mentions of Ian being bipolar, Mickey is okay with being gay but not with other people knowing he is gay, Not Canon Compliant, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-03-19 02:39:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13695150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: When Terry rapes and kills Mandy one night in a drunken rage Mickey blames himself and becomes depressed. With Terry locked up for life Mickey has had enough of being alone and decides he's done hiding who he really is and goes to a gay bar unsure what he's looking for to fill hole in his life. When he is there he meets Ian who he remembers as Mandy's best friend who disappeared two years before Terry killed Mandy. Mickey feels drawn to Ian mainly because he is just lonely and Ian is just a free spirit and in some way its also a connection to Mandy. As they grow closer Mickey realizes how much Ian makes him happy and he realizes that life is worth living again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another short story from me, I got this idea from season 2 or 3 when Terry gets Mandy pregnant. I just thought what if he actually killed her how would it affect Mickey so this story is completely alternate universe and not related to canon at all. Also I kind of wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone and write them where they don't know each other before they get together or are always best friends like in all my other stories.

It was a whole year since Mandy was killed by Terry in a drunken rage. Three hundred and sixty five days of pure misery for Mickey who was just depressed ever since he lost his sister for good. Ever since that night Mickey just hated himself and every time he looked in the mirror he hated the person staring back at him more and more each day. He tried to put on a brave face around his brother Iggy and whenever he left the house and had to deal with life and people.

But inside he just wanted to die especially at night when he was all alone in his bedroom with nothing but his own spiralling thoughts that he no longer had any control over at all. On those night he just lost himself in haze of alcohol and weed until he passed out in his own bed. Other nights he just sat there on his bed with a gun sitting beside him trying to talk himself into putting a bullet into his brain and ending his misery for ever.

He could never go through with it despite all the plans he made to actually kill himself but at the last minute there was always a hesitation where he backed out of going through with ending it once and for all. He didnt want to be alive anymore and the thought of living the rest of his life like this was just too much. It was just him and Iggy left in the house as there was a trial after Mandy's death and there was enough evidence to put Terry in jail for life along with Mickey and Iggy as witnesses and an unforgiving jury.

Mickey didnt know how Iggy managed to put on a brave face like nothing ever happened but then he knew he was never as strong as his brother. Sometimes Mickey liked to think he was strong but there were times like right now when he couldn't deny that it was all just a pretence hidden behind a very fragile façade. Mickey was sitting on his bed leaning back against the headboard drinking some beer and rolling a joint.

He was also looking at the gun sitting beside him on the bed wondering should he just end it all right now because he couldn't take this anymore. He overdosed a few months ago and hated himself for waking up the next morning and he just felt a failure like Terry told him he always was for his whole life. At least with a bullet it was final and Mickey knew it wasn't like anyone would miss him and it would also put an end to the way he felt so depressed and miserable all the time.

He let out a deep sigh filled with sadness wishing Mandy was still alive so he could just talk to her one more time. He was always close to Mandy especially when she accidently found out he was gay and told him she would never tell anyone and she kept her promise too. He knew if saw him right now she would tell him to quit with the pity party because she wasn't worth it but Mickey knew he lost his best friend and sister who always seemed to know the answers to his questions.

Mickey was okay with being gay because Mandy helped him realize it was okay and he was normal. She also told him she didnt give a shit and that Terry was just a homophobic piece of shit that didnt know anything at all and to also ignore the bastard. So Mickey just ignored Terry and it helped the homophobic bastard was mostly in prison all the time. Mandy also took him to a gay bar for the first time but hadn't worked up the nerve to go back there ever since Mandy was killed and he wasn't sure he would ever go back there at all.

He knew was okay with being gay but he was too afraid to go there alone. He told Iggy he was gay months ago in a drunken confession and Iggy told him didnt give a shit and that he suspected it for years. Iggy didnt say anything and just waited until Mickey was ready to tell him and when it happened Iggy told him didnt give a shit and that if any guy hurt him he would kill the guy for it.

Mickey just hates that everyday he is struggling and he tries to tell himself he is fine and he doesn't need anyone in the hope that pit of loneliness he feels will one day disappear. But when he is alone he finds it hard to tell himself he isn't weak, he isn't a liar; and he sure as fuck doesn't need anyone because he never did in his whole life. But now that he was twenty three he was starting to wish things were much different because right now his whole life just felt like one big lie.

Sometimes he used to wish he could be straight but he gave up trying to convince himself of that when he was eighteen. It just got to the point where pretending to be straight was too exhausting so he gave up on that and told himself he was just lying to himself about not being gay. But that never got better because here he was five years later and he was still in the same shit as he was when he was eighteen.

He didnt know how Terry never suspected he was gay but he was just grateful the asshole never found out about it. Other times he considered the next time Terry asked why he hadn't a girlfriend that he would tell the bastard he was gay so the homophobic piece of shit would just kill him once and for all and put him out of his misery too. He was also surprised he was able to keep up the lie of him being straight for so long and that no one questioned it at all.

He just hated he felt so depressed all the time and even though he had started being okay with being gay years ago he felt something change in his mind. It took him a few years to be okay with being gay and he knew he would always be alone because of it since all he ever heard from Terry was that being gay meant you died miserable, alone and riddled with AIDS too.

Mickey also had thoughts of killing the bastard too but the only thing that stopped him was that the asshole wasn't worth rotting in jail over a life sentence for murder. As Mickey lit up the joint he finished rolling he knew he just needed out of here as he stared at the ceiling trying to stop the tears forming in his eyes he wished he could be anywhere else but here.

He knew of the gay bars on the Northside that Mandy took him to when he was eighteen. Sometimes he thought about going over the last few years but he never did because he was too afraid to do it on his own. Mickey knew he was always afraid and it got worse ever since Mandy died. He was afraid of himself and to be who he really was and it was something he struggled with for a long time but he didnt know how to get out of this house of horrors.

He really tried to be something he wasnt, tried to be straight and slept with a few girls in the hope something would click and he would like it but it was failed mission both literally and figuratively. It just made him feel more miserable and alone because sometimes he would see a guy he found attractive or he'd see a gay couple on the Northside and it made him wish he could have something like that some day.

But he knew it would never happen as he was starting to be okay with it and accept he would always be alone. He was broken from his thoughts when he heard his bedroom door open so he shouted "the fuck you want" angrily while hoping whoever it was would leave him alone. Iggy stepped into the room and looked at Mickey as he told him "just wanted to see if you were okay since its a year since Mandy died" lightly.

Mickey looked up at him shrugging his shoulder hoping Iggy bought his lie of "yeah" softly. Iggy didnt believe it and remained silent while looking at his brother before whispering "I miss her" softly and he knew it wasn't a lie. Mickey smoked some of the joint nodding his agreement as he looked at the floor not knowing what to say. There was a silence before Iggy added "at least Terry's locked up for good" softly.

Mickey scoffed "yeah till he gets out for overcrowding or good behaviour" angrily. Iggy leaned against the door "it wont happen, the judge and the lawyer said he's never getting out, there's too much evidence against him" firmly. Mickey didnt look at his brother letting out a whisper "I hope so" softly. Iggy replied "it helped Mandy fought back, his DNA was under her fingernails and she had defensive wounds along with previous broken bones that we were able to say we witnessed what he did" firmly.

Mickey drank some of his beer as he glanced at his brother letting out a sigh "yeah" softly while wishing his brother would just go away and leave him alone. A tense silence fell as Iggy looked over his brother and noticed something was wrong with Mickey but he didnt say anything about it knowing his brother would tell him to fuck off. Instead Iggy just told him "the asshole's gone okay, he isn't coming back and over crowding or good behaviour wont work this time" firmly.

Mickey didnt believe that at all as he scoffed "yeah fucking right" before he drank some more beer. Iggy slightly shook his head still glaring at Mickey wishing his brother would just get it into his head while replying "he's broken parole too many times already, fucker got the book thrown at him, he isn't coming back and the lawyer said it and so did the judge" firmly wishing that Mickey would just realize they were both free now.

Mickey looked up from the floor to look at Iggy and noticed he was serious but all he could say was "yeah okay" lightly. Iggy frowned a little before hesitantly admitting "just be glad the fucker's gone" firmly. Mickey didnt even hesitate and bitterly laughed "fucking am" angrily. Iggy slightly laughed in agreement before they fell into another less tense silence.

Mickey hesitated before asking "so when did you get back" curiously. Iggy shrugged "a while ago, got enough money to cover us for a while from this job" firmly. Mickey felt relieved at that as he nodded "okay" lightly. Iggy shifted on his feet before replying "know a guy who said he might be able to get me a job cash in hand, its legit so at least it will be safer and we wont get caught running scams" firmly.

Mickey looked at Iggy as he inhaled some of the joint in his hand before he laughed "look at you going legit, maybe you should call Terry and tell him so the asshole will drop dead" lightly. Iggy laughed "yeah might just do that" lightly. They fell into another silence before Iggy asked "hey you want to come down to the Alibi, meeting a few guys I know there" curiously. Mickey really didnt want to be stuck with a bunch of straight guys talking about the latest girl they fucked replying "nah I'll pass" firmly.

Iggy nodded accepting the answer but he hated that Mickey barely left the house anymore and he didnt know how to help him either. Iggy frowned before forcing out "you know Mandy wouldn't want you sitting here, if she was here she'd tell you to get the fuck out of here and go get fucked by some hot guy" before laughing to himself. Mickey groaned and stubbed out the joint in the ashtray sitting beside him before he got off the bed and walked past Iggy deciding he had enough of his brother.

As he walked into the kitchen he shouted "why don't you fuck off then" angrily as he pulled a bottle of whiskey out of the press beside the fridge. Iggy rolled his eyes hating that he said the wrong thing before he walked towards the front door shouting "you know where I'll be if you change your mind" loudly. When Mickey heard the front door close all he heard was silence and he hated it since it was so loud and it made his thoughts even louder and he could hear the whispers in his mind that screamed you're alone and no one cares.

He ignored those whispers as he walked back to his room with the bottle of whiskey. He knew Iggy was right in that Mandy wouldn't want him to be like this, to be drowning the way he was right now. But Mickey felt too tired to fight and as he sat back down on his bed after putting on some metal music to fill the silence he just finished the rest of the weed thinking that maybe one day he would be strong enough to face the world. But that day wasn't right now and would probably never come so he drank the bottle of whiskey until he was black out drunk and passed out in his bed alone hoping he wouldn't wake up and just die so he could end his misery.


	2. Chapter 2

Needless to say Mickey didnt die that night much to his own regret. That night was a few weeks ago and he decided that Iggy was right in that Mandy wouldn't want him sitting around not living his life anymore. So he worked up the nerve to go back to one of the gay bars on the northside. Now that he was finally here for nearly half an hour he thought this was bad idea as he walked around the room while nervously sticking to the edges of the room.

As he looked around the dimly light busy club with the loud music, flashing lights, half naked go-go dancers and busy crowd he felt he should have known it would be busy since it was a Saturday night. He needed a drink and rubbed his hand over his face before going in the direction of the bar and waited to be served by the hot bar tender he thought looked a little too familiar.

He sat on one of the seat he recognized the guy as Ian who was Mandy's best friend and he didnt need this right now. He knew Ian was gay as he hung out with the guy and Mandy a few times before he disappeared a few years ago. But when he looked at Ian all he saw was Mandy and it just hurt too much so he changed his mind on the drink and was just about to leave and go home when he heard "what can I get you" loudly.

Mickey grimaced before deciding to turn back around and faced the guy "hey Ian" lightly. Ian looked a little shocked and didnt hide it as he recognized the guy in front of him "Mickey, the fuck you doing here" internally kicking himself for saying that because it wasnt what he wanted to say. Ian slightly shook his head in frustration "I mean long time no see" humoredly. Mickey softly laughed as he rubbed his face with his hand replying "yeah i know, so the fuck you doing here" curiously.

Ian softly laughed as he looked at Mickey while crossing his arms over his chest thinking it was nice to see Mickey again replying with humour in his voice "I work here asshole" lightly. Mickey scoffed and tried to hide his laugh as he rubbed his face with his hand feeling the anxiety he felt start to fade. He sat on the bar stool almost grumbling "just get me a beer, none of that fancy shit" firmly while hating the attraction he felt towards Ian.

Ian noticed the anxiety rolling of Mickey in waves but didnt comment on it so just lightly smiled at him before walking away to get his drink. Mickey turned his back to the crowded room as his beer was placed in front of him and when he went to pay for it Ian told him "its on me" firmly. Mickey glared at Ian as he snapped "don't need your fucking money" firmly not adding or your charity.

Ian wasn't fazed by it and laughed as he noticed the anger on Mickey's face before he replied "never said you did, anyway its a free drink so why turn it down" humouredly. Mickey silently glared at Ian thinking he had a point and relaxed a little before deciding to take up the offer of a free drink "thanks" as he put his money back in his pocket. Mickey was expecting Ian to walk away and was surprised when Ian asked "haven't seen you here before" curiously.

Mickey drank his beer and looked at the bar top scoffing "how the fuck do you know I haven't been here before" and he hated the defensiveness in his voice. Ian just laughed and crossed his arms over his chest amused at this guy and wanting to talk to him more and lightly teased "I know the regulars and I would have noticed if you were here before" lightly as he blatantly checked Mickey out.

Mickey noticed it but didnt dare say anything so glared at him retorting "what the fuck ever" angrily. Ian softly laughed completely ignoring it "come on don't be like that" lightly not adding we used to have fun together along with Mandy but he didnt dare mention it just yet. Mickey glared at him and hated that defensiveness was his default setting but he was thrown off guard at seeing a familiar face in the bar because he was not expecting to see Ian of all people knowing Ian had disappeared from the Southside years ago.

Mickey just grunted as he drank his beer trying to hide the smile from his face wondering why did he feel so at ease with Ian and he did before everything went to shit too. He only knew Ian through Mandy where they all hung out together in the Milkovich house and even back then he had a crush on Ian and right now looking at the tall filled out man in front of him it only made those feelings come crashing back in full force.

There was short silence before Ian hesitantly asked "so I'm just finished my shift, you want to get a drink with me, catch up and shit" curiously. Mickey warily looked at Ian as Iggy's words replayed in his head about getting on with his life because Mandy would have wanted him to live his life. Mickey swallowed down more beer hating that moving on was so hard to do before replying "yeah okay" softly.

Ian grinned again and he didnt hide his excitement "cool, just let me finish up first" before walking away. Mickey frowned wondering was this guy actually serious or just trying to make a laugh of him for his own entertainment. Mickey really wished he said no but it was too late as Ian had sat beside him with a glass of water and pulled his navy zip up hoodie on but left it open.

Ian looked up at him with a nervous expression shyly admitting "you know I noticed you earlier but I didnt want to say anything since you looked nervous" lightly not adding I never knew you were gay. Mickey bit his lip hating that his anxiety was showing again as he glanced at Ian admitting "yeah I haven't been up here in years" firmly. Ian hesitated before blurting out "I don't blame you since Terry's around" softly.

Mickey frowned at him wondering did Ian not know what happened with Terry or Mandy while muttering "good point" softly. Ian noticed Mickey looked pissed off as he stuttered "sorry I didnt mean to assume" lightly. He got cut off when Mickey laughed "its fine and yes I am gay, I've been okay with it for years and since Terry's in jail for life since last year I've decided I don't give a shit since he'll never find out and if he does he cant do shit to me" firmly.

Now it was Ian's turn to frown and he didnt hide his confusion "Terry's in jail" curiously. Mickey held up his bottle of beer in a toast as he grinned at Ian "yeah he's someone else's problem for once" before laughing to himself. Ian rubbed his face with his hand "you sound happy about that" lightly. Mickey drank his beer before admitting "I am, fucker's there for life on murder charges, you didnt hear about that" firmly.

Ian looked down at the ground hesitantly admitting "haven't been in Southside for years" softly and he hoped Mickey wouldn't ask why. Mickey looked at Ian not hiding his surprise "yeah, good for you man" lightly silently wishing he had the guts to do it too. Ian nodded his head in acceptance as he looked back at Mickey "yeah I live just round the corner from here for the last three years, shit went down so I left and haven't been back" lightly.

Mickey totally got it since he hadn't seen Ian around for the last three years and seeing Ian's discomfort told him "we don't have to talk about it" firmly. Ian slightly nodded before looking at Mickey "don't really want to talk about Southside" softly. Mickey scoffed "me neither" lightly. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey asked "so how long you working here" curiously. Ian shyly grinned "a few years ago I worked here before I got the place where I'm staying after I moved out from the Gallagher house when I was nineteen, way too many people in one place and needed to get away from them" lightly not wanting to say why.

A comfortable silence fell between them with just the blaring music in the background and Ian slightly grinned but looked down at the ground to hide it as softly laughed to himself at them both recognizing each other. Mickey felt tense again as he stammered "hey uh you wont say anything, don't say you saw me here" trying to hide the panic from his voice.

Ian noticed that panic and looked up at him "I wont, my family know I'm gay but they don't give a shit but they are the only ones that know and I also don't have a death wish by being openly gay in the Southside so your secret's safe with me" firmly. Mickey looked over Ian's face for any trace of a lie and when he saw none he visibly sighed in relief thinking he could trust Ian.

His thought was confirmed when Ian looked at him "you can trust me, I wont say anything, I'm never back there in that shit hole anyway" firmly. Mickey just quietly nodded thinking it would be nice to trust Ian and be friends with him too since all he had was Iggy and Mandy was no longer alive so he was mainly all alone. He was broken from his thoughts when Ian who wanted to make Mickey feel more at ease asked "so tell me what have you been up to" curiously.

Mickey slightly laughed in disbelief that Ian actually wanted to talk to him defensively muttering "the fuck you want to know for" hating that he sounded defensive. Ian just laughed as he looked at Mickey with an open expression "because I like you and want to be friends with you, always did but it just never happened" but he didnt add that he was attracted to him too because he saw Mickey was still nervous.

Mickey just drank his beer as he glanced at Ian before looking at the ground thinking he would like to be friends with Ian and eventually probably more then friends too. Mickey softly groaned as he looked at the bar not able to hide his sad expression muttering with sadness in his voice "not fucking much, shit went down and I wasn't around for a while" softly and he hoped Ian wouldn't ask more questions because he wasn't sure he had the answers.

He also didnt know how to say Terry killed Mandy a year ago and he was still not over it either because it was his fault she was dead. He knew if he admitted the truth then Ian would probably run far away and Mickey didnt want that to happen even though he knew he wouldn't blame Ian for it either but he would rather not find out. Ian frowned as he noticed Mickey looked sad hesitantly asking with concern in his voice and expression "you okay now" softly.

Mickey stared at the glass sitting in front of him not really sure how to answer that question since Iggy only ever asked him that and he always lied to keep up the pretence. But with Ian he found he didnt want to lie as he admitted with sadness "sometimes I think I am and other times not so much" softly and he regretted it because now Ian probably thought he was weak.

Mickey silently drank some more of his beer wondering why he felt so drawn to Ian and wanting to talk to him because it looked like Ian cared what he had to say. Another silence fell before Ian replied "sorry for bringing shit up for you" softly. Mickey shrugged his shoulder as he looked at Ian "its fine so what you been up to" curiously. Ian drank some of his water and put the glass back on the bar top before blurting out "not much, shit went down before I left Southside, prefer living here now so will you not say anything or that you saw me here" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian "I wont" firmly. Mickey got the sense that Ian didnt want to talk about it anymore "you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, you're okay now though right" lightly. Ian softly smiled as he looked over at Mickey "yeah" lightly not adding that I am right now because of you.

Ian didnt know what it was but he liked Mickey, he was easy to talk to and he wanted to talk to him a lot more after tonight. He also wouldn't mind if something more than friendship happened between them and he silently hoped Mickey would want that too. Ian was curious so asked "so how's Mandy, haven't seen her in years" curiously.

Mickey tensed up and tightened his grip on the bottle in his hand as he looked away from Ian to the other side of the room trying to push down that sadness he felt at her name. He knew it wasn't Ian's fault since he obviously didnt know Mandy was dead because if he did then Ian wouldn't have asked the question. Mickey let out a tense sigh as he glared at the bottle in his hand and fidgeted in his seat stammering the words "uh she's gone" softly and he hated he wasn't able to say she was dead.

Ian noticed Mickey looked tense and sad and he hated himself for asking so changed the conversation to a lighter subject asking "you been in here before" curiously. Mickey drank some of his beer before looking at the bar replying "no not in here" lightly. Ian nodded at that knowing that he never did see Mickey here before to night but he sensed something was off since he mentioned Mandy. He didnt know what Mickey meant by Mandy is gone and he wondered if she left town because he hadn't heard from her in years.

They fell into a comfortable silence before Mickey glared at Ian "so that you mean you knew who I was when I was walking around here for ages" angrily. Ian's smile fell from his face and he looked sheepishly to the ground before forcing out with guilt in his voice "yeah sorry" softly not adding he just didnt know how to start the conversation. Mickey hated that he made Ian feel bad "its fine just don't know why you did it" curiously.

Ian nervously laughed "I'm an idiot" lightly. Mickey looked over at Ian while he scoffed "got that fucking right" lightly. Another comfortable silence fell and Ian just hated he was starting to dread if Mickey left here tonight and never came back to the bar because he didnt want this right now to end. The conversation moved on to other things and as they laughed at each other's stories and got to know each other better Mickey just hoped he would see Ian again after tonight.

He realized that this right now with Ian was the happiest he felt in a long time ever since Mandy died a year ago. He just wished tonight would never end because he really liked talking to Ian and it also made him forget all the shit going on his head. He had been here for hours and when the call for last drinks came up Ian looked at him asking "you want to come back to mine for a while" curiously while silently hoping Mickey wouldn't say no.

Mickey faltered a little since he wasn't expecting that question at all stammering "uh yeah sure" hating that sounded so nervous but he didnt want to go back home where he would just be all alone. Ian would have laughed at Mickey being nervous but he was nervous too as this was the first time since he moved up here that he tried anything with a guy so he shyly smiled "cool, lets gets out of here" softly. They both laughed at their awkwardness as they put on their coats before they left the bar and walked to Ian's apartment in easy silences and short conversation.

* * *

 

In Ian's small one bedroom apartment they were sitting side by side on the sofa watching a late night movie. Mickey tried to hate that the way Ian was sitting so close to him that their arms and legs brushed against each other and he could feel his warm body heat wash over him too. He also hated that he didnt want to leave and he was also afraid he was starting to out stay his welcome because he had been in Ian's company for half the night.

But he didnt want to hate being around Ian and discreetly moved closer to Ian on the sofa and tried to ignore the way Ian glanced over at him with a soft smile before he closed the gap between them on the sofa. What Mickey didnt know was that Ian felt the same way too and the same thoughts were going through his head. Mickey didnt know that Ian never asked guys back to his apartment because he didnt want them here and if he wanted a one night stand he would always go to other guys apartment so he could leave when it was over.

Mickey didnt know why he came back here with Ian or why the whole night felt so easy but he just felt so drawn to Ian that he couldn't explain it right now. He wasn't sure he wanted to either since here right now with Ian just felt so easy. He just felt wanted and fuck it he felt not alone and that pit of loneliness he felt over the last year had somehow gotten a little smaller since he met Ian.

But as he glanced at Ian he thought Ian was probably the type to not tell him to leave after inviting him over to his apartment. Mickey just felt those self loathing thoughts pop up into his brain telling him Ian didnt really want him here and was probably just being nice. Mickey sat up at little and looked back at Ian "its late" firmly and he hoped Ian got the hint. Ian frowned and didnt hide his confusion replying "you don't have to go" firmly not adding I want you to stay.

Mickey shrugged his shoulder "been here for hours" lightly. Ian slightly laughed "you wouldn't be if I didnt want you" firmly not adding trust me on that one. Mickey bit his lip hating that anxious feeling again while wondering why Ian wasn't practically forcing him out the door. Ian noticed Mickey looked tense and anxious again so told him "you really want to go all the way back to Southside right now in the freezing cold when you can just crash on my sofa" firmly and he hoped he didnt sound desperate too.

Mickey thought that was a good point because he didnt want to go back there right now. But being here with Ian was making him feel another kind of anxious and it was something he was not comfortable with at all. He quickly stood up replying "got to help Iggy with something in the morning so need to get home" firmly. Ian stood up and he knew Mickey was lying but didnt fight him on it "okay" softly.

Mickey felt the anxiety build and he couldn't breathe as he started to panic forcing out "thanks for asking me over, it was nice" softly before he dashed towards the door. Ian chased after him "can I at least have your number, I want to see you again" but he was cut off as the door slammed in his face. He opened the door to see Mickey disappear around the corner of the hallway and he knew Mickey was long gone. Ian shut the door wondering what the hell was that all about as he turned off the TV and went to bed hoping he would see Mickey again.


	3. Chapter 3

Ian just felt frustrated ever since Mickey ran out of his apartment that night a week ago and it really annoyed him that he didnt know how to get in contact with Mickey since they didnt swap numbers. As he sat in his apartment after finishing the evening shift at the bar eating some food on the sofa watching some TV he hoped he would see Mickey again. But even now he was starting to doubt he ever would since Mickey hadn't been at the bar and Ian didnt want to go back to Southside as he also wanted to keep Mickey's secret too.

He couldn't believe Mickey didnt really remember him from the few times they hung out together when he used be over at the house with Mandy. That was long before he went off the rails and Mandy disappeared from his life. He didnt know where she went but he did remember her telling him she was getting out this shithole called Southside. They slowly stopped being in contact and then his bipolar disorder reared its ugly head when he was eighteen and they fell out of contact with each other.

When he finally got stable a year later and came back to Chicago after being in a mental hospital to get his disorder under control he tried to call her but she seemed to have completely vanished and he never heard from her again. He also called her phone but the number was disconnected and it was like she had disappeared from Chicago. That night at the bar when he saw Mickey he knew who he was straight away and he was surprised to see he still had a crush on Mickey that he realized never faded despite that he hadnt seen the guy in around three years.

He was also surprised that Mickey remembered him as he had only been in the Milkovich house a few times. He decided to give Mickey the benifit of the doubt since he had been a lot smaller back then but since puberty hit he was a lot taller and now that he was healthy he was quite lean and muscular. Back then he was a complete mess since his disorder had started and he went undiagnosed for a whole year before he went to a mental hospital.

It was a long road getting his stability and getting the right medication combination for him to feel normal as he could as someone with bipolar disorder. But with losing his best friend Mandy and an overbearing family who tried to control his every move he decided to take Mandy's advice and leave the Southside. He couldnt stay with Fiona and his other siblings as they treated him like being bipolar defined him and he hated it even more that they called him another Monica.

He knew they didnt care about him at all as they always ignored him or if it directly affected their own lives. That was confirmed for him when they all told him not call them if he had a problem or an emergency. That fight was when Ian realized he wasnt welcome in what was supposed to be his own home so he quietly faded back into the background. He got a job at the bar where he now worked and then found a small apartment where he now lived for the last few years.

He didnt even tell his family he was leaving so he quietly moved his stuff into his apartment over a week before finally disappearing from their lives permantly. He knew they wouldnt care at all as they would just write it off as he him being manic and doing a Monica and running away on another adventure. Ian didnt miss them at all and he got used to living here alone. Ever since he and Mandy had drifted apart he didnt have any friends at all.

Even though he knew some people at the bar and talked to them sometimes he didnt really feel like getting close to people at all. He didnt even have relationships with any other men but instead just had one night stands but he never took them back to his own apartment. He preferred to go to the other guys apartment so he could leave when it was over and they couldnt track him down to his own apartment. But that night when he met Mickey all his rules went out the window.

He felt comfortable with Mickey and he wanted to know more about him because he liked him a lot. Mickey made him laugh so much and Ian felt like he hadnt laughed like that in years. Sure he laughed but it was always that fake forced laugh that never had any feeling or genuine emotion or happiness behind it at all. It was just a mask he used to get by every day but for some reason with Mickey the mask disappeared and he felt like he was really being himself which was something he hadnt done in a long time.

Ian knew he gave up on life years ago ever since his diagnosis. When he was in the mental hospital the second he heard the words Bipolar 1 with acute mania and psychotic features all he could think was that he was now Monica and his life was over. There was no coming back from this at all. No one would look at him the same way and he was no longer the person his family knew for as long as he could remember.

He was now a burden that they didnt want to have to deal with at all. When he left the hospital and went back home he never felt so out of place before in his life. It was like he didnt belong there anymore. And it was made obvious but his siblings watching him warily and whispering in corners when they thought he couldnt hear them talking about him and then falling silent when he would enter a room.

It was enough to make him question if it was really happening or were his meds playing up but he knew better because they pretty much ignored him before the whole diagnosis. The whole thing just made Ian hate himself so much and he knew he wasnt wanted there at all now that he wasnt normal so he made plans to get out of there and he finally did it. He left and walked away and never looked back and he didnt regret his decision at all because he was happy now and he didnt need them or anyone else in his life.

So he kept people at a distance figuring he was better off alone. He knew if his family didnt want him then there was no reason why anyone else would want him in their life. He didnt need their ignorant comments about mental illness and out of that he decided he didnt need anyone in his life at all. But meeting Mickey that night at the bar made him realize he was just lying to himself all along.

Ever since that night he kept an eye out for Mickey at the bar but he never saw him and always went home disappointed and wishing Mickey would come back to his apartment. Ever since that night he realized just how alone he really felt and he couldnt lie to himself anymore. That night with Mickey he felt happy and he wasnt sure he would ever feel like that ever again as he had a feeling Mickey would never come back to the bar. He didnt know why he felt a sadness run through him but for the first time in a long while he realized he hated being alone and the silence in the apartment never seemed so loud.

* * *

 

A few hours later and he was lying on the sofa facing the TV flicking through the channels when he heard a knock on the door. He thought about ignoring it but there was another knock so he decided to answer it and tell the person to fuck off and leave him alone. When he opened the door he couldnt his surprise blurting out "Mickey" softly. Mickey was on the other side of the door staring at the floor when he looked up to see Ian's surprised expression forcing out in a whisper "hey" softly as he shifted slightly on his feet feeling really awkward.

Ian noticed it and stepped back to let him in "come in" firmly. Mickey faltered a little realizing if Ian didnt want him here he wouldnt have asked him in so he walked past Ian who closed the door behind him before going over to the fridge. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand as he sat down on the sofa and he tried to find the words to explain to Ian why he ran out on him the other night.

Ever since that night Mickey just felt the biggest idiot in the world ever since he ran out of the apartment in the middle of the night. He hadnt been back to the bar or Ian's apartment in a week and he hated that Ian asked him to stay and he just ran out the door and never looked back either. That night he didnt know why he ran but now as he sat on the sofa in Ian's apartment he knew he was just scared of a lot of a things.

It didnt help that he felt confused about everything that happened that night at the bar. When he first saw Ian he didnt really know what to do at first knowing that Ian knew who he was all along. But when Ian told him that he wouldnt tell anyone from southside he was gay Mickey found himself start to relax around Ian as they talked for hours before going to Ian's apartment.

Mickey didnt know why he felt so drawn to Ian and he tried to hate the way Ian made him want to be around him all the time and he actually missed Ian's company after just one night. When he was at home in his own house he thought back to that night with Ian and he realized he was actually happy because Ian made him genuinely laugh for the first time in a year. That night with Ian just made him forget about all the shit in his head and for those few hours with Ian he felt not alone.

That pit of emptiness he normally felt had disappeared and he hated that the horrible feeling was back and it made him miss that night with Ian even more but he knew he only had himself to blame for the last week. When Mickey just looked around his empty living room earlier in the day knowing that his brother was gone for the next few days he realized he didnt want to be on his own right now.

So he made a decision and left his house knowing he couldnt deny it anymore because he wanted to be with Ian even if it was just as friends. When Ian sat back down beside him on the sofa he handed him a beer and looked at him admitting "I'm glad you came over" not hiding how much he meant those words. Mickey looked up at him as he took the beer off him replying "yeah me too" lightly.

Mickey didnt really know how to explain himself and he was relieved when Ian told him "youre here now" lightly. Mickey softly laughed "what the fuck ever" humoredly. Ian laughed before grabbing the TV remote asking "you want to watch shitty movies and hang out" curiously. Mickey let out a tense sigh and told himself to relax replying "yeah why the fuck not" as he looked at Ian realziing he was glad he came back to the apartment.

He wished he did it sooner but he figured it was better late than never. As they watched an old action movie they fell into easy conversation. It wasnt long before Ian asked "so the job go okay with your brother" curiously. Mickey looked away from the TV screen to see Ian looking at him before he replied "yeah it went okay" lightly deciding it was better to lie than say there was no job.

Mickey didnt want Ian to know the real reason why he left that night which was because he was scared of a lot of things. If anything his whole night with Ian scared him and he was also mad at himself for forgetting about Mandy for a few hours. He really hated himself for that for a few days after that night with Ian. It was only when he realized that Mandy wouldnt give a shit that he moved on with his life for a while that he realized he was just being stupid over a lot of things in his head.

He really hated that he got lost in his own thoughts for hours or days and it always got to the point where he would be tired of the same old repetitive thoughts. Mixed in between those of thoughts self blame and guilt was more guilt that he enjoyed Ian's company and then anger at running out of Ian's apartment. He really hated he did that because he was tired of being scared all the time but he felt that way even more since Mandy's death.

It was only when he realized he liked being around Ian that he snapped out of anger and left the house to come to Ian's apartment. He was just surprised that Ian didnt shut the door in his face and actually looked happy to see him there even if he did look surprised too. Mickey reached into his pocket and pulled out a joint and a lighter before elbowing Ian in the ribs to get his attention. Ian looked over at Mickey "what" curiously.

Mickey held up the rolled joint asking "you want to smoke some weed, its pretty good shit" curiously. Ian slightly grinned "yeah sure" firmly. Mickey lit up the joint and smoked some of it before handing it over to Ian asking "you working today" lightly. Ian inhaled some of the joint before replying "yeah just finished a few hours ago" firmly. Mickey felt that nervousness and anxiety again as he forced out "sorry for leaving pretty quickly that night" softly and he hated himself for apologizing because he never apologized for anything in his life.

Ian passed over the joint as he let the smoke drift out of his mouth looking at Mickey replying "its fine, you had shit to do, I get it" firmly. Mickey took the joint off him and felt a little more relaxed and he didnt know if it was the weed or Ian or maybe it was both but he didnt care at all. He slightly grinned at Ian before inhaling some of the joint before blurting out "thinking of getting a legit job" firmly.

Ian looked over grinning as he teased "life of crime not doing it for you anymore, never thought I'd hear that from a Milkovich" humoredly. Mickey spluttered as he choked on the joint scoffing "fuck you" as he cleared the smoked from his throat. Ian softly laughed as he patted Mickey's back with his hand humoredly replying "I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not" humoredly. Mickey looked at Ian's face scoffing "I can tell" lightly.

They both laughed before Mickey added "just dont want to end up in jail" firmly. Ian nodded in agreement "good point" lightly as he took the joint from Mickey's hand. Mickey noticed Ian's fingers brush against his own and he glanced at Ian to see he was looking at him so Mickey shyly looked over at the TV screen. He really hated that Ian made him so nervous while Ian just looked all calm and collected in his seat.

What Mickey didnt know was the Ian felt just as nervous as they shared the weed in short silences and easy conversation. Ian finished the last of the weed knowing he probably shouldnt have smoked it on his meds but he didnt really care right now. He didnt care because they were both slightly buzzed and relaxed as the sat glued to each other's sides on the sofa. Ian really didnt think that his night would have ended like this if you told him what would happen hours ago.

Ian felt really tired and sleepy now as he leaned his head back against the back of the sofa while looking at Mickey who was engrossed in the movie. Ian was afraid to ask his question since the last time he asked Mickey if he wanted to stay Mickey ran out of the apartment. But Ian didnt want Mickey to leave because he really enjoyed his company and it was nice to not feel alone. Ian hated being alone since he met Mickey but decided to ask anyway.

Ian sat up a little in his seat elbowing Mickey in the ribs and when Mickey looked at him he asked "you want to stay over tonight" curiously. A silence fell and Ian was expecting rejection and stammered "you dont have to, it was just a suggestion" trying to hide the hurt in his voice. Mickey noticed that hurt and when he looked at Ian he saw rejection all over Ian's face.

Mickey was surprised that Ian really wanted him here and he was also surprised that he didnt want to leave the apartment. Mickey tried to hide the small smile on his face replying "yeah sure" not adding if you dont mind. Ian just grinned at him "good" before they went back to watching the TV until they went to bed for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a shorter chapter but I thought it ended nicely at this point. I tried to make it longer and it was just forced and I didnt like it all so left it as it is. The next chapters will be longer than this one.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a time jump in this chapter to move things along.

Three months had passed since that night when Mickey stayed in Ian's apartment and Mickey didnt know what it was but he just liked being around Ian. And it surprised him that Ian never told him to leave or ever got tired of them hanging out together at Ian's work or in his apartment. Ever since they got to know each other better and were now best friends Mickey realized he just felt happy again. Ian made him happy and he didnt really know how to deal with it since he had been depressed for so long.

It kind of annoyed him that he was starting to forget Mandy and his own self blame for her death but he knew she would want him to move on with his life. It also annoyed him that most days he was happy and Ian had a lot to do with it too. As he sat in one of the booths along the wall in the bar where Ian worked he wondered if all this with Ian was a good thing because he was really doubting everything right now.

Even worse than all of that was he was starting to realize he had a growing crush on Ian for the last few weeks. Ian just made him laugh all the time, made him forget all this shit in his head and just made him feel happy too. He also couldnt stop staring at Ian sometimes and he knew Ian caught him staring at times but Ian being nice said nothing about it and just pretended not to notice or laughed it off with a joke.

He wanted to make a move on Ian but he was afraid of the rejection and he was afraid Ian would want nothing to do with him when he found out it was his own fault Mandy was dead. As he stared across the room at Ian who was working behind the bar he decided he was going to tell Ian the truth. He didnt want to start things up with Ian and tell him what happened to Mandy only for Ian to leave him out of disgust.

So the best thing to do was tell Ian the truth so it would hurt less when Ian told him they couldnt be friends any more. When he felt Ian sit beside him on the seat with a two bottles of beer he looked over to see Ian asking "you finished" curiously wondering if Ian felt the tension rolling off him in waves. Ian looked at him with a small grin "yeah, got us some drinks too" lightly.

Ian leaned back in his seat as close to his friend as he could with their shoulders and arms pressed together. They both drank their beer in one of their usual comfortable silences when Ian let out a tired sigh thinking he should have called in to work sick tonight and stayed at home with Mickey. Ian looked over at his friend and lightly elbowed him the ribs asking with concern on his face "you okay, you werent over at the bar like you normally do" curiously.

Mickey bit his lip and felt really anxious thinking he might as well get it over and done with before he backed out of telling Ian the truth. He glared at the bottle in his hand and picked at the label with his fingers almost whipering "something I need to tell you" lightly. Mickey glanced around the room wondering if it was a good idea to have this conversation here but decided it was because then Ian could leave when heard what he had to say.

Mickey glanced at Ian forcing out "remember when i said Mandy was gone" firmly. Ian frowned as he looked at his friend wondering why Mickey looked all tense replying "yeah, she leave town or something" curiously. Mickey almost flinched thinking 'yeah something' before he turned towards Ian rubbing his face with his hand forcing out "Mandy's dead, has been for over a year" and he didnt hide the sadness from his voice.

Ian looked shocked as he was not expecting that but it made sense since he never heard from her again for over a year or more. Ian felt really upset and it showed on his face while he rested his hand on Mickey's thigh lightly squeezing it "I'm sorry, I didnt know since we fell out of contact months before that" firmly and he really hated he didnt know his former friend was dead.

Mickey was surprised he wasnt nearly crying right now but he knew he already did all his grieving but he still felt sad over it all. Ian drank some of his beer before stammering and then asking "you mind if I ask what happened" curiously before adding in a rush "you dont have to tell me" lightly. Mickey frowned while looking at the table wanting to say it but couldnt just yet as he whispered "cant say it right now, dont even like thinking about it" sadly.

Ian hated himself for pushing so he lightly squeezed Mickey's shoulder with his hand as he looked at him replying "its okay" firmly. Mickey slightly nodded before looking at Ian "I cant say it right now, maybe one day yeah" softly. Ian knew it must have been bad if Mickey couldnt say why Mandy was dead so he decided not to push and slightly nodded "yeah whenever youre ready" firmly.

Ian silently looked at his friend thinking it must have been really bad if Mickey couldnt talk about and he knew enough from what Mandy told him of Terry to know it probably was bad. So that reason was why he decided to let Mickey tell him in his own time when he was ready. Ian also had secrets too that he needed to tell Mickey but he was too afraid Mickey would leave him like everyone else did including his family.

He just hoped when he did eventually tell Mickey he wouldnt walk away from him when he knew the truth about his own past. Mickey slightly smiled but it was gone as quick as it appeared and he just felt relieved that Ian didnt push him on it too. A comfortable silence fell and Mickey moved a little closer to Ian wanting to feel his warm body heat wash over him and he wasnt surprised when Ian just moved closer so they were glued together because they always did that when they were together.

They drank the rest of their beer in short conversations and easy silences before Ian lightly elbowed Mickey in the ribs asking "you want to go home to mine" curiously. Mickey shook himself out of his thoughts as he looked at Ian "yeah sure" firmly. Ian slightly grinned and Mickey laughed his friend before they both finished their drinks and left bar for the night.

* * *

 

It was early morning when Ian woke up in his own bed and looked over to see Mickey was still asleep beside him in the small bed. When Mickey first started staying over Ian really hated making his friend sleep on the too small sofa. Over time he eventually talked Mickey just crashing in his bed because it was more comfortable. Mickey resisted at first and told him the sofa was fine until he got enough of having constant back ache and neck pains.

One night after not being able to sleep Mickey stormed into Ian's room and told him to shove over. Ian moved over in his half asleep state and ever since that night they shared the same bed and neither one of them admitted to the other that they liked it a lot. Ian looked away from Mickey staring at the ceiling realizing he wanted to know more about what happened to Mandy.

Ever since he was told about Mandy Ian couldnt stop thinking about the fact she was dead. But he knew Mickey didnt want to talk about it so he never asked any more questions after that conversation. He knew Mickey would probably tell him in his own time and he knew it must have been really bad if Mickey didnt want to talk about it. He knew it was bad before he and Mandy stopped talking and fell out of contact for good and he just wished he did more for Mandy.

He saw her several times with bruises and black eyes from time to time and he knew someone was beating on her but when he asked what happened she always told him to stay out of it. Eventually he stopped asking questions because he knew he would get no answers or she would stop talking to him for days or sometimes weeks. At that time his bipolar disorder was starting and when he became manic he was too distracted by his own racing thoughts and they mutually stopped talking to each other as they became wrapped up in the drama of their own lives.

When Ian finally got himself medicated and stable Mandy had disappeared from the Southside and he couldnt find her at all. Ian tried calling her but her phone was out of service so he just assumed she had left town for good like she told him she would do one day. He always liked the idea of her being out there somewhere living her life without being treated like shit and to hear that she was dead for a whole year was killing him with guilt.

He hated that he just forgot about her and assumed she would be okay when she clearly wasnt okay and he just felt like he should have done more for his friend. He knew if he told Mickey what went down between him and Mandy he knew Mickey would blame him for it all or probably hate him too. He really didnt want Mickey to leave because he got used to not being alone over the number of months and it was just nice to have a friend.

He got used to having a best friend again and he hadnt had that since Mandy all those years ago before he got lost in a world of being bipolar. Now that he was stable he didnt like that uncertainty especially since he got to know Mickey so for now he would say nothing at all. He didnt want to lose what they had since they first met that night at the bar. Ian just felt too happy and it was the happiest he had been in a long time.

It didnt help he had a crush on his best friend and he just really liked being around Mickey so much too. He knew that maybe one day he would say it but for now he decided to remain silent until Mickey brought up the issue again or if he ever did say anything about it at all. Even worse than all of that he still hadnt told Mickey he was bipolar and he knew Mickey would definately leave if the knew the truth.

Ian knew he wouldn't blame Mickey if he left over it and being bipolar was a deal breaker. He just knew it would hurt a lot when it happened so its why Ian was still putting off the whole issue of being bipolar even though his therapist told him it was bad idea and to give Mickey a chance. He knew it was a good point and he decided to give Mickey a chance because he couldn't lie to himself anymore. He liked his best friend a lot and wanted him around all the time.

He also trusted Mickey and he knew his therapist had been pushing him to have an emergency contact. He always told his therapist he didnt need one because he could look after himself and didnt need anyone else. In reality he just didnt want to trust any one at all because the few times he did trust someone they left at the mention of bipolar disorder.

Ian didnt want scare Mickey off just yet with the words bipolar disorder even though he knew Mickey had to have seen the bottles of his medications in the press above the kitchen sink. He was just surprised that Mickey never asked any questions about it and there was small whisper of hope in his mind that maybe Mickey wouldn't leave if he knew the truth. But Ian wasn't ready to take that risk yet and told his therapist he would think about the whole emergency contact thing they had discussed.

Ian knew he wouldn't mind Mickey being on that list but he knew Mickey had his own shit to deal with so decided to put that question off for another time. Ian decided to get up and take his meds with some food before Mickey woke up so got out of the bed and got dressed before leaving the bedroom and quietly closing the door.

* * *

 

Mickey sat on the sofa in the small apartment knowing it wouldn't be long until Ian was home and he knew he needed to talk to Ian. He had been wanting to say it for days but he had just been too wrapped up in Ian and he knew he needed to get out of here before it all went wrong. He just felt like he was starting to outstay his welcome since he had practically been living here for the last few months. He only realized it today when he went back to get some more stuff from his house in the Southside and Iggy made fun of him for never being home anymore.

When he came back to Ian's apartment he noticed nearly all of his clothes were in Ian's room and he hated he was that person who just quietly moved into some else's apartment. He was just waiting on Ian to tell him to leave but then Ian was too nice to tell him to fuck off so Mickey would do it for him and leave before Ian told him he had long outstayed his welcome. Mickey heard Ian come into the apartment and shut the door behind him before putting his coat on the chair.

He noticed Mickey's bag on the floor and frowned "you leaving" not hiding the shock from his face. Mickey sat up in his seat and turned to face Ian who was standing beside the sofa. Mickey grimaced before forcing out "haven't really left have I, you not sick me yet" firmly. Ian scoffed in disbelief "if I wanted you to leave I would have told you to fuck off so fuck you for saying that" angrily.

Mickey felt bad as he noticed Ian looked really hurt and it was confirmed when Ian added "so you leaving me again" hating he sounded hurt too. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand hating that this was going badly. Mickey let out a tense sigh before looking at Ian replying "no, just thought I should go back home for a while, give you your fucking apartment back for a while" firmly but there was humour in his voice too.

Ian glared at his friend before laughing to himself and sitting down on the sofa. Ian shrugged his shoulders while nervously admitting "I like having you here, its why I didnt say anything about you bringing more clothes and shit over, I want you to be here" lightly not adding I want you around all the time. Mickey picked on what wasn't being said and he knew Ian wanted him around all the time because he wanted to be around Ian all the time too.

Mickey looked at the ground while softly laughing "so you don't want me to go" and he hated he sounded so nervous and insecure too. Ian lightly punched Mickey on the arm "no I don't want you to go but I'm not going to stop you if you want to go back home" firmly. Mickey slightly grinned before looking at Ian shyly admitting "I don't want to leave or go back home, I like it here" not adding a lot. Ian almost sighed in relief before he slightly grinned "good" softly.

A silence fell as Ian handed Mickey a key but looked at the floor stumbling over the words "its a spare key for here, you can come and go whenever you want even if I'm not here" shyly and he really hated he lost all his confidence that he felt hours ago. Mickey took it off him and looked surprised too thinking he had it all wrong while he silently looked at Ian. He noticed Ian had been acting a little weird and distant for the last few days but he though it was Ian was building up the nerve to tell him to leave as he teased "is this why you been acting weird" humouredly.

Ian softly laughed "fuck you" as he still looked at the floor hating he just felt embarrassed. Mickey lightly punched Ian's arm "I'll take that as a yes" humouredly. They fell into a comfortable silence before Mickey shyly whispered "thanks, I thought you wanted me to leave so it's why I packed my shit" and he hated he sounded hurt even though he felt relieved at the same time.

Ian looked up not hiding how much he meant it "I'm sorry" softly. Mickey shyly grinned taking the whole thing as Ian wanting him around all the time and he had a feeling that Ian probably knew it was the same for him if he was giving him a key and telling him he didnt want him to leave. A silence fell before Ian looked at him and changed the awkwardness by asking "got any weed" curiously.

Mickey softly laughed as he put the key to his new home in his pocket before he looked at Ian "yeah I do" as he pulled a few joints out of his bag. Ian went to the kitchen to grab some food and sat back down on the sofa pressed right up against Mickey as they smoked some weed and watched so movies on the TV. As they feel into a comfortable silence Ian was just glad he handed over the key before Mickey left him again only this time it would be his own fault.

He was just glad he gave Mickey a chance and there was small whisper in his mind telling him Mickey would never leave even if he knew about his bipolar disorder. But Ian wasn't willing to take that big of a risk yet and he knew he needed to take small steps but here he getting there slowly but surely. Mickey kept glancing over at Ian as they shared some weed and watched TV and he was just glad Ian still wanted him around.

He could feel the key in pocket burning into his leg and it just confirmed to him that those lies in his head of Ian not wanting here were just lies. He made the choice not to believe them anymore because what Ian just said and did was enough for him to believe that Ian wanted him here all the time. They both knew they needed each other a lot and they were just glad it was another step towards them not being alone anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

Mickey didnt know why he was going along with this at all because he still wasn't completely comfortable in gay bars never mind an actual gay club. He just thought damn Ian and his persuasive ways and ability to talk him into doing anything especially shit he didnt want to do. A perfect example of Ian talking him into doing things he didnt want to do was right now.

It was a Friday night and he was following Ian into a newly re-opened gay club and Mickey just hoped this would not get back to anyone on the Southside. He knew if anyone from there saw him here it wouldnt be long getting back to his father who even though he was in jail would find a way to kill him and Ian in a heartbeat for being in a place like they were in right now.

As he followed Ian through the busy crowd trying to ignore the flashing lights and the far too loud music he didnt like at all he told himself he would be fine once he got a beer. Mickey just felt uneasy and nervous as he looked around the crowded room with all the out and proud men and women enjoying their lives completely oblivious to his own inner turmoil.

As he saw people kissing each other and closely dancing with each other in the room he didnt know why Ian wanted to come here but then Ian was always the adventerous type and pushing his own boundaries. The other day Ian told him he wanted to come here because Monica brought him here a long time ago before she died and he got his own diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

So here they were in a gay club packed to the rafters and Mickey realized he really would do anything for Ian without question but then they were best friends. Mickey knew he wanted more with Ian and he was really trying to work up a nerve to make a move but never said anything at all about his feelings not wanting to lose Ian from his life. Even though he knew Ian was gay and sometimes he caught Ian looking at him the same way he would at Ian it still wasnt enough to give him the courage to make a move on Ian.

He tried to tell himself he hated it when Ian hugged him, lay against him on the sofa or put his arm around him when they slept together in Ian's bed. But he knew it was a lie because he loved it all and he was never really in the Milkovich house anymore since he always stayed with Ian in his apartment. He also knew Ian didnt want him to go and he didnt want to leave either because of the bad memories back in the Southside.

He thought about testing the waters with Ian but he didnt know how, he didnt know how to flirt or tell if Ian liked him back because he was just too insecure and thought he wasnt good enough for someone like Ian. But he had seen Ian turn guys in the bar down so he thought he may have a chance with Ian. If only he could get over his nerves and stop feeling like he wasnt good enough for Ian. Mickey just felt nervous as he looked at the couples in the room wishing he could be like that with Ian because he wanted Ian so much in that way.

Mickey was so deep in thought he ended up walking straight into Ian's chest and stumbled back a little as Ian grabbed his hips with his hands to steady him with a grin on his face asking "you okay" humoredly. Mickey gently pushed against Ian's chest with his hands scoffing "fuck off" while refusing to look at Ian out of embarrasment. Mickey stepped back a little as he rubbed his face with hand trying to forget the feel of Ian's warm body against his own and the smell of his warm body heat that was invading his own senses.

When Mickey did look at Ian he scoffed "the fuck you stop for anyway" angrily. Ian just grinned at him completely ignoring his best friends abrasiveness replying "was asking do you want to go to the bar here or upstairs" curiously. Mickey frowned at Ian in disbelief almost hissing "if they have beer I dont give a shit, which ever one's fucking closer" angrily.

Ian softly laughed knowing if he wasnt already nearly in love with Mickey and didnt know him he would probably fall in love with the man right now because Mickey was just his type. Worse than that Ian didnt even know if Mickey liked him back but he knew he wasnt imagining Mickey's longing stares when he caught Mickey looking at him and he knew he would have to make the first move.

Ian didnt even know why he came here tonight and seeing the way Mickey looked uncomfortable he kind of regretted it because Mickey told him he wasnt really comfortable in these places yet. It was enough for Ian to nearly throw his stability out the window and get really drunk because he was in love with his best friend who may not like him back. He knew it was just his luck and it made him think if he didnt have bad luck then he would have no luck at all.

He pushed those thoughts away as he shoved Mickey's shoulder with his hand and looked at him "so downstairs one it is" before turning around and walking away towards the bar trying not to let his disappointment ruin his night. He also didnt want his best friend to see that disappointment as he thought maybe he shouldnt have come here with Mickey tonight.

He wondered if they should have just stayed at home watching movies, playing video games and smoking some weed because Mickey always seemed more comfortable with just the two of them alone together. As he sat on the bar stool he felt like tonight was the worst idea he ever had considering Mickey's father was a racist homophobic piece of shit. So yeah Ian felt like he should have known better that Mickey wouldn't be comfortable in a place like this since he grew up hearing all that death to the gays shit from Terry.

He knew Mickey wasnt completely comfortably with being gay and he just felt like he was pushing Mickey into coming here when he wasnt ready at all. He had a feeling that after tonight Mickey would finally say they were done and they couldnt be friends anymore. Ian braced himself for that as he rested his forearms on the bar top when felt Mickey standing right beside him at the bar.

He looked over at Mickey hesitantly forcing out "we can leave if you want" but didnt add please stay and dont leave. Mickey slightly laughed feeling some of that tension leave his shoulders as he looked at Ian while moving closer to him lightly elbowing his arm "nah we can stay" not adding I'm just being awkward as usual. Ian softly laughed while silently looking at his best friend who was now leaning back against the bartop while looking around the room taking it all in.

Ian slightly grinned at him and didnt really blame Mickey for it as he done the same the first time he came to this club. Mickey noticed there was a seat along the wall in the corner on the other side of the room and looked at Ian pointing his finger his shoulder "we should get that seat over there, not standing here all night" firmly. Ian softly laughed "yeah sure" as he shook his head at the quick mood change from his best friend.

Mickey just wanted to sit there because it was dimly lit and gave a lot of privacy and he liked the sense of safety it also provided being tucked away in a dark corner. When he got tired of looking around the room he looked over at Ian who was in the middle of talking to guy behind the bar. Mickey didnt listen to the conversation as he was too busy looking all over Ian letting his mind drift into borderline explicit territory involving Ian before wondering if coming here was a good idea.

He decided he was going to admit his feelings to Ian, he really wanted to for a long time but he was just scared to do it because he was afraid of Ian rejecting him and then he would lose his best friend. He already lost Mandy and he was sure if he lost Ian he didnt know what he would do if that happened but he was just so conflicted about it all. He couldnt help think maybe he should stay quiet about liking Ian a lot more than a friend should like a friend.

Sometimes he just felt not good enough for Ian and it was another reason why he kept quiet about his feelings. He knew Ian would disagree with that because Ian always told him how much he needed him especially with dealing with his disorder and over bearing family. He knew he had a full blown crush on Ian and it didnt help he saw Ian shirtless a lot and that they were so close they shared the same bed all the time.

It didnt help that Ian would just change his clothes right in front of him so it just meant really explicit dreams all staring the red head beside him but he quickly pushed those thoughts away for another time. He decided to turn around wondering where was his beer when he heard the guy behind the bar comment "you guys make a cute couple" lightly. Mickey scoffed and said at the same time as Ian "we're not a couple" defensively.

The tall blonde guy behind the bar just grinned at them knowingly before handing them two beers "drinks are on me" lightly. Mickey glared at him hating he was too shocked to tell the guy to fuck off and he also didnt notice the tense uneasy look on Ian's face and the way Ian was staring down at the bartop. Mickey angrily glared at the guy behind the bar as he hissed "the fuck you getting at" icily.

The guy wasnt phased by Mickey's attitude replying "just saying you can be yourselves here, no one gives a shit" firmly. Mickey's anger got the better of him almost shouting in a threatening tone "you want to fucking die" angrily. The guy held his hands up in surrender with a slight grin on his face deciding he wasnt getting involved so he just walked away from them to get on with his job of serving customers.

Mickey finally looked at Ian and noticed the dejected look on Ian's face so asked "you okay" curiously. Ian grimaced as he looked at Mickey "yeah lets go sit over in the corner" before picking up his beer and walked towards the empy seat on the other side of the room. Mickey watched Ian walk away and frowed wondering what the hell was up with Ian before he grabbed his own beer and followed Ian.

They were both sitting in silence in the booth over in the corner along the wall. Mickey liked it here as it felt very private with just him and Ian and he also liked the sense of safety it also provided being tucked away in a dark corner. He just couldnt get his thoughts past what the guy behind the bar said and he wondered if that guy could see it then how could Ian not see he liked him a lot more than a friend.

Mickey didnt know Ian was thinking the exact same thing but neither one of them was able to say anything and they were waiting for the other to say something first to break this awkward silence. After a few minutes Mickey looked at Ian when he snapped "the fuck you want to come here for anyway" firmly before rolling his eyes because that wasnt what he wanted to say to start some conversation.

Ian snapped himself out of his thoughts to look at Mickey stumbling over his words before deciding on "just wanted to see what it was like since it closed down for a while and then reopened under new management" softly and he hated he didnt sound convincing at all. Mickey raised his eyebrows with a disbelieving expression "really, werent you here before" firmly.

Ian faltered and shrunk a little in his seat as he drank his beer before whispering "yeah but it was a long time ago" lightly not adding and I was sort of manic too. Mickey hated taking his frustration out on Ian but the guy behind the bar got his defences going and Mickey couldnt help fall back into old habits such as picking fights with people when he felt threatened.

Mickey drank some of his beer and glared down at the table while noticing how close to Ian he was sitting and he felt their bodies pressed together from their shoulders to their feet as they sat side by side on the seat. Mickey slightly shook his head at himself hating he was taking it out on Ian and lightly elbowed Ian in the ribs deciding to admit it "the guy wasnt wrong" firmly.

Ian looked over at him with confusion on his face "about what" curiously. Mickey let out a sigh still glaring at the table not wanting to see Ian's face admitting "I'm fucking like you a lot alright" not adding cant believe that asshole noticed and you never did you idiot. Ian looked at him with a shocked expression feeling really happy at that and grinned at Mickey replying "yeah so do I" firmly.

Mickey frowned and looked over at Ian with confusion on his face not expecting that response at all. Ian nearly laughed at Mickey's expression but didnt hide his grin "its why I wanted to come here, was going to tell you, thought it would be easier if we came here" lightly. Mickey let out a tense sigh as he stared at Ian before laughing "youre a fucking idiot" humoredly. Ian slightly laughed as he drank beer while looking at the table realizing just how tense he felt and he didnt know why he had been so anxious over it all day.

They fell into easy conversation for a while with both of them not caring at all about the way they were leaning against each other and heavily flirting with each other. They didnt know how long they had been sitting there talking about things before they decided to go home for the night.

* * *

 

Back in Ian's apartment Mickey decided he had enough of this back and forth between them for the last few weeks. All night they had been flirting and now that they were home he decided he was taking what he wanted for a change which was Ian. Mickey silently watched Ian who was standing at the sink with his back to him drinking a glass of water. Before he could talk himself out of it he walked over to Ian and grabbed his shoulder and turned Ian around and pushed him against the counter.

Ian slightly laughed as he looked at Mickey grabbing his hips and pulling his friend right up against him as they intensely kissed each other in the apartment. Mickey stood between Ian's legs pratically lying against Ian as he rested his hand on the back of Ian's neck and lightly gripping his waist with his other hand. Ian pulled him closer so they were pressed right up against each other from head to toe as he rested his hand on the back of Mickey's neck while lightly gripping his waist with his other hand.

When they stopped to breathe and intensely stared at each other with want and need mixed with lust Mickey confidently grinned at Ian before grabbing Ian's hand and pulling them towards the bedroom. As Ian followed Mickey he laughed while silently thinking this night turned out very good in his own opinion and it was about to be even better.

* * *

 

A month had passed since that night and both of them were very happy with the development in their friendship. It was morning time when Mickey woke up to the sound of his phone ringing while also being enguled in Ian's warm arms which were wrapped around him from behind and his body pressed against his back. Mickey reached over to grab his phone off the small table to see a text from his brother to which he groaned as he read it while suddenly wishing he never answered it in the first place.

He knew he hadnt really been home a lot in months ever since he met Ian and he really didnt want to go back there because he was afraid all those negative feelings he felt back then would come rushing back to the front of his mind. Ever since he started having no strings attached sex with Ian a few weeks ago he just felt happy because Ian made him happy to the point where he forgot about everything else for a change.

He sent a message to his brother while knowing he would have to tell Ian the truth and considering how close they were now he had a feeling Ian might be okay with it when he told him everything. Mickey decided to ignore that whisper in his mind that told him it was a bad idea because he needed Ian to know before he found out from someone else. He knew it was still early days as they were just friends that slept together and it nice and causal so Mickey decided it was best to tell Ian now before he got in too deep with Ian.

But he had a feeling it was too late for that as he was so far gone for Ian he didnt know how he was going to deal with it when Ian threw him out and told him he never wanted to see him ever again. He knew any conversation they had about their past was just little snippets here and there and even though Mickey wanted to know more about Ian he never dared ask knowing he wouldnt be so forthcoming with information either.

He was just glad Ian understood why he was still so skittish about being gay since they were both from the Southside where being openly gay meant death. Since he had been staying with Ian he completly understood why Ian left and never wanted to go back there at all. It really was freeing living up here on the northside where no really gave a shit about being gay or not with the exception of a few homophobes but they were the minority.

He knew Ian loved it here in his apartment because he loved the freedom, privacy, independance along with no one barging in at all hours of the day and night which was great. Mickey also loved it too especially when Ian gave him a key so he could stay here whenever he wanted to get away from the Southside if Ian was at work. Just before Ian gave him a key and told him the apartment was his too Mickey thought he was starting to out stay his welcome.

But then Ian surprised him when he told he liked him being here all the time and Mickey admitted he liked being here with Ian a lot. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand while yawning deciding he needed to tell Ian he had to go back to see his brother for a while. Mickey didnt call it home anymore as he weirdly felt like home was here with Ian in their apartment but he never told Ian that bit of information.

As he turned to lie on his back to look at Ian who had his eyes closed Mickey thought maybe he would tell Ian that information one day. Mickey rested his hand on Ian's arm that was lying across his waist and he fought back a small smile as Ian moved to nearly lie on top of him while mumbling "where are you going" sleepily. Mickey softly laughed as he lightly hit Ian's stomach with his other hand looking at Ian who was wide awake now replying "going back to the Southside, Iggy wants me for something" lightly.

Ian frowned not hiding his unhappiness "you have to" lightly. Mickey laughed while resting his hand on the side of Ian's head "yeah, be back in a while, you working today" curiously. Ian nodded while moving right up against Mickey's side "yeah later on" softly. Ian lightly kissed Mickey on the lips before looking at him asking "you coming to the bar when youre finished" curiously.

Mickey looked all serious and frowned before teasing "no, need a break from you" humoredly. Ian pretended to be hurt and scoffed "fuck you" before they both started laughing knowing that they were just joking with each other like they always did from time to time. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey told Ian "yeah I will, want to get out of there as quick as I can" just about stopping himself from adding I like it here with you.

Mickey felt he was getting too comfortable here with Ian too fast and decided he may tell Ian the truth about Mandy a lot sooner because he was starting to get too attached to his best friend. Mickey lightly groaned when he felt Ian move to lie on top of him settling between his legs and rested his hands on Ian's hips as he looked up at him hating that he couldnt wipe the smitten grin from his face that was caused by Ian.

Mickey felt a little unnerved with the way Ian was looking at him so intensely but he knew he felt the same way about Ian. Mickey knew he felt just as happy as Ian looked and he really tried to ignore that whisper in his mind that told him this was going to end eventually. It would end once Ian knew the truth but Mickey decided to ignore that whisper and focused on Ian who seemed to have other plans in mind.

Mickey just slightly grinned at Ian as he felt those self doubts and whispers of how this would all end fade away because he just wanted to focus on Ian. Ian rested his hand on the side of Mickey's head as he looked down at him asking "you have to go now" lightly and he hated he was never able to play it cool.

Mickey laughed at Ian's impatience knowing he felt the same way too while replying "I have some time so no" lightly as he decided his brother could wait as Ian was definately way more important. Mickey reached his hand behind Ian's neck and pulled him down to kiss him intensely before things became a lot more intimate in their room.


	6. Chapter 6

Another one of Ian's nights off work rolled around and they were sitting on the sofa in Ian's apartment in the middle of a movie marathon. Ian silently watched Mickey perfectly roll a joint as he thought about how happy he had been over the last few months. He knew needed to be honest with Mickey. He needed to tell him things like about being bipolar and what happened with Mandy before he got in too deep and Mickey called him an asshole and would never talk to him ever again.

Ian lay head back against the back of the sofa as he watched his friend light up the joint and throw the lighter on the table as he inhaled the weed before leaning back on the sofa. Ian didnt miss the way Mickey moved right up beside him so they were pressed together from their shoulders to their feet not that he minded at all. Ian watched the smoke from the joint drift up into the air and vaguely saw Mickey hand him the joint so he took it off him and smoked a little of it before handing it back to his friend.

He felt really nervous as he glanced over at Mickey who staring at the TV lost in his own thoughts as he smoked away not noticing the turmoil in Ian's head. Ian wanted more with Mickey but there was still a lot of things they were holding back from each other and Ian just felt like he wanted more than being just friends that had sex with each other. He tried to bring up that conversation of them being more and already backed out of saying what wanted to say five times already and he was sick of it and sick of being afraid.

Ian slouched down a little in his seat and leaned his body against Mickey who handed him the last bit of the joint asking "you okay, you been kind of quiet" curiously. Ian took the joint off Mickey as he looked at him "yeah" softly before smoking the rest of the weed and stubbed it out in the ashtray on the table. Mickey knew Ian was lying but said nothing as Ian sat back in seat beside him and he didnt miss they way Ian sat right up against him resting his head on his shoulder not that he minded at all.

Mickey couldnt deny it anymore but he liked being pressed right against Ian's warm body. He also kind of felt embarrased at just how much he loved being near Ian all the time and he knew the weed he just smoked didnt have anything to do with how he felt at all. He knew it was all him and his own feelings but the weed just amplified those feelings. And he also thought he would tell Ian everything tonight because the unknown was driving him crazy.

They were both so nervous for their own reasons that they didnt notice the other person's unease as they were wrapped up in their own thoughts. Mickey wanted more with Ian but he had horrible feeling that when Ian knew the truth he wouldnt want anything to do with him anymore. Even though Iggy told him to give Ian a chance Mickey was just afraid that he would lose all of this with Ian because he really enjoyed his time with Ian ever since he met him at the bar.

As lame as it was Ian left him breathless and wanting more all the time and he had a feeling it was probably the same for Ian considering they could never keep their hands off each other. For some reason he seemed to tear down all his walls for Ian and decided he didnt want to be that scared person anymore. He was tired of being alone, afraid of himself, of his sexuality and his piece of shit father who was rotting away in jail for life with no chance of parole.

Long before he met Ian and Mandy was still alive he ventured into a few gay bars, found a guy to fuck and got out of there as quick as he could before they got attached. He also didnt hang around those bars too long out of fear that someone who knew his father would find out his secret and tell his father who would sure kill him for liking guys. But when Mandy died all of that stopped and it took another year before he started to take control of his life again.

But the night Mickey approached Ian and went home with him and then ran out of his apartment he knew it was because he was scared of everything including himself. When he realized his mistake he went back to the bar hoping Ian would be there and give him another chance. He wasn't in luck because Ian wasn't working so he went to Ian's apartment hoping Ian would let him talk and Ian just invited him into the apartment for the night.

He was glad Ian did give him another chance and they slowly became best friends before admitting to liking each other. Over the last few months something inside him changed especially when he realized he liked Ian as a friend even though he never saw the need for a friend in his life. He didnt want to be alone anymore and he really liked Ian's company and he just felt glad Ian asked him to stay in his apartment because he didnt want to leave.

He was even more surprised that he wanted to know more about Ian even though he knew who Ian was through word of mouth as everyone knew everyone in his neighbourhood. And now here they were being intimate with each other along with being best friends and Mickey had a horrible feeling it would all end tonight. Mickey looked over at him asking "so how come you live here now" curiously.

Ian bitterly scoffed and tensed a little as he glared at the floor thinking this was the part where Mickey would leave him for good but decided it was better to say it now so it would hurt less when Mickey ran out of the apartment. Ian leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling while forcing out "I left to get away from my annoying family, got a job here a years ago after I got my bipolar disorder under control and then moved here" firmly.

Ian was too afraid to look at Mickey as he felt that fear take over his brain as the seconds passed him by and he tried not to feel too bad when he felt the sofa move under Mickey's weight. He thought Mickey was leaving when he heard "what's bipolar disorder" curiously not hiding his confusion from his face or voice. Ian faltered not hiding his surprise when he looked over to see Mickey was now sitting sideways facing him with a concerned expression.

Ian felt relieved but still wary as he forced out "its a chemical imbalance in my brain, I can get really high from mania and then get real low depressive cycles where I cant get out of bed for days or weeks" softly. Mickey slightly frowned as he looked at Ian with concern on his face asking "you okay" softly. Ian slightly laughed out of shock not expecting those words while rubbing his eyes with his fingers before looking at Mickey with a relaxed expression "yeah, I'm on meds so I'm stable for now but they can stop working but I just get new ones if that happens" firmly.

Mickey didnt hide the relieved look on his face as he just felt happy that Ian was okay "thats good" lightly. Ian slightly grinned and then frowned a little deciding to tell the rest "there is different types of it, mine is bipolar 1 with acute mania and psychotic features" before going on to explain all of that Mickey who just looked completely interested in the information. Mickey listened intently to Ian but he didnt tell him he noticed the bottles of medications in the press in the kitchen when he was looking for a glass.

He noticed them one night when he was looking for a clean glass and he just hoped Ian was okay but he never dared ask about them knowing it wasnt his business and Ian would tell him in his own time. When Ian finished talking Mickey rested his hand on Ian's abdomen and looked right at him not caring he was admitting "this doesnt change anything for me, I still like you a lot and want you as a friend" firmly stopping himself from adding I want us to be more than friends too.

Mickey moved closer to Ian so his chest was pressed against Ian's arm and shoulder while he rested his other arm on the back of to sofa. Ian tried not to grin as he looked at Mickey and didnt look away from him while replying "yeah I like you too" softly. A comfortable silence fell as Ian just felt relieved and happy that Mickey didnt even flinch at the word bipolar disorder and wasnt going anywhere at all. Ian was now staring at the small table in front of them with bottles of beer and empty plates of food while letting out a tense sigh feeling relieved that he admitted all of what he just said to Mickey and that Mickey told him he didnt care just once he was okay.

It surprised him because any other guy he tried to start things up with just made a lame excuse and left him or just dropped all contact with him immediately. The reaction from Mickey was not one he was expecting but now he thought that maybe he could actually trust Mickey but then he knew that trust had been building ever since they met each other.

The comfortable silence was broken when Mickey frowned before he asked "did you think I would leave" curiously and he hoped didnt sound offended or hurt. Ian noticed that hurt and he felt like an idiot as he squeezed his eyes shut before rubbing them with his fingers and cleared his throat hesitantly admitting with sadness "you wouldnt be the first if you did" and he didnt hide the bitterness in his voice.

Mickey noticed that bitterness and frowned as he rested his hand across Ian's thigh asking with disbelief in his voice "that really happen" hating that someone left Ian just for that reason. Ian silently nodded before turning his head to look at Mickey angrily scoffing "yeah, turns out mental illness is a deal breaker for guys or at least the ones I met" firmly.

Mickey looked over Ian's face not hesistating "well it isnt for me, not your fault you ended up with it" lightly. Ian ran his hand along Mickey's arm replying "yeah well its easier to blame my mother for it, my family told me I'm just another Monica and not their problem so its why I left" softly. Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head and looked at him "dont need them anyway, better off without their shit dragging you down" firmly. Ian slightly laughed looking back at him "so you know who my family is then" humouredly.

Mickey scoffed "who fucking doesnt" lightly. Ian scoffed knowing it was true retorting "like you can talk" lightly. Mickey slightly laughed "fuck off" while rubbing his face with his hand realizing Ian recognized him that night. Ian pulled Mickey's hand away from his face settling their intertwined hands in his lap as he looked at him "dont be shy, you werent earlier" lightly. Mickey laughed and now felt embarrased while looking at Ian "whatever" tiredly knowing Ian always teased him about things like right now.

When they stopped laughing and were silently looking at each other Mickey admitted "I also saw you around the Southside when you were younger" not adding that was when his crush on Ian started. Ian narrowed his eyes shyly admitting "I may have noticed you too, thought you were kind of hot" lightly. Mickey softly laughed as he looked at Ian while teasing "so mean and angry got you going" humouredly.

Ian scoffed as he held onto Mickey's hand while moving closer against Mickey's chest taking comfort in that way Mickey closed the gap between them on the sofa. There was no space between left between them on the sofa when Ian shrugged his shoulder "kinda, just thought it was shame you were straight and would probably kill me if you knew what I really thought of you" humouredly.

Mickey laughed while he pinched Ian's ribs with his fingers "think the last few months have proved I'm not straight" lightly but he didnt ask what Ian thought of him back then because he had an idea of what those thoughts were since he had the same ones about Ian. Ian yelped and tried not to laugh "that fucking hurt" lightly. Mickey grinned at Ian while leaning against him as he scoffed "that's what you get" as he rested his hand over the spot where he pinched Ian's ribs lightly rubbing it with his hand.

They fell into another silence before Ian looked over at Mickey wondering how they ended up so closer together as he asked "so tell me your story, I know Terry was a homophobic piece of shit" angrily. Mickey groaned resting his forehead against Ian's not really wanting to talk about that asshole but he figured Ian shared so he had to share too but for some reason he thought now was the time to tell the truth.

He liked talking to Ian and he liked that they were sitting so close to each other their foreheads were touching and their bodies were pressed together like glue as he admitted "youre not wrong, its why I was so mean and angry back then, just pretended I was straight until he got his ass landed in jail about a year ago" firmly. A tense silence fell and Mickey looked down at Ian who was still holding his hand while forcing out with sadness in his voice "he's in jail because he killed Mandy, he killed her because of me" not hiding the guilt he felt about it either.

Ian looked visibly shocked as tightened his grip on Mickey's hand asking "what happened" couriously. Mickey faltered and nervously glanced at Ian while ignoring the voice in his head that told him not to do this as he admitted "I dont really know where to start" sadly. Mickey just fell silent deciding it was easier to start from the beginning before forcing out "Mandy knew I was gay since I was eighteen, dont know how she figured it out but I didnt deny it when she asked, thought she was going to tell Terry until she told me she didnt give a shit" lightly.

Mickey felt Ian looking right at him but he found it easier to look at Ian's collar bone as he added "she talked me into going to a few gays bars up here, came with me too and we just lived in our own world together, coming up here when ever Terry was in jail" lightly. Ian softly laughed "Mandy was pretty cool, she was my fake girlfriend back in high school, she hit on me after I tripped up a pervert teacher that hit on her, told her I was gay, said she didnt give a shit and we could fake date, keep the pervs away from her and no one would suspect I'm gay since she would be my girlfriend in public" firmly.

Mickey softly laughed as he scoffed "fucking Mandy" as he remebered her antics and the shit she used to pull all the time. Ian laughed in agreement "I know but I liked her, she was a good friend until we drifted apart when we both dropped out of school" not hiding the sadness from his voice. Ian let out a sad sigh deciding to admit "I could have done something to help her, I knew something was happening to her but when I asked she wouldnt tell me what was wrong and told me to stay out of it" sadly.

Mickey wasnt mad as he looked over Ian's face not hesitating "if Mandy doesnt want you to know something she wont tell you" firmly. Ian slightly grimaced because it didnt make him feel any better as he looked at his friend "we drifted apart after we finished school, my disorder was starting up and when I became manic I spent more time up here partying" before falling silent.

Ian sighed hating he felt sad over it all adding "she came with me a few times but when she saw me get too into the drugs end of things she said she wanted nothing to do with it because it was too much like Terry's shit and stopped coming with me and eventually I lost contact with her" lightly and he didnt hide the self loathing from his voice. Mickey noticed it and frowned "its not your fault" firmly and he didnt know why Ian was blaming himself over Mandy.

Ian shrugged before replying "I overdosed one night and ended up in hospital and then a psych ward, since I was manic I dont really remember how I got there but I only know what I was told from the doctors that were there so I stayed there for months because I didnt accept my diagnosis for a long time" firmly. Mickey rubbed his hand along Ian's arm hating that Ian was also blaming himself for Mandy and he wished he never told Ian about it now.

Ian shook his head trying to push away the self blame he felt as he looked at table in front of them while adding "when I went back to the Southside she wasnt there, I looked for her and couldnt find her, I tried calling her phone but it was no longer in service, she disappeared and I thought she left Chicago" softly. There was a silence as Ian swallowed down the build up of saliva in his mouth before forcing out "we used to talk about it all the time, getting out of the Southside and that we'd leave together, go to California or some shit" humoredly as he laughed at the memory of that conversation.

Mickey scoffed "what the fuck" lightly. Ian looked at Mickey "we were high one night in my room, talked about what we were going to do when we finished school and that was our plan, just leave in the middle of the night without telling anyone and disappear for good" softly. Mickey looked a little hurt at that scoffing "fuck you both" and he hated he sounded hurt too. Ian shoved Mickey with his elbow as he looked at him replying "she said you had to come too" firmly.

Mickey didnt believe that at all and laughed "like fuck she did" humoredly knowing what Ian said was a lie. Ian softly grinned as he looked at Mickey genuinely admitting "I'm serious, told me she wasnt leaving without you" firmly. Mickey wasnt beliving it and he wasnt sure he wanted to hesitantly blurting out "dont got to lie to me" in a whisper. Ian hated Mickey was like this as he rested his hand on Mickey's ribs looking at him "I'm not lying, she said she wasnt leaving you to deal with Terry and I said okay then the three of us will leave in the middle of the night" lightly.

They both laughed before falling silent when Mickey looked down at Ian's chest shyly admitting "I would have left with you both and she knew it" softly and he really hated it never happened. Ian sadly nodded before admitting "when I couldnt find her I thought she hated me, thought she thought I left without you both and that she hated me and left anyway but she didnt know I was manic, she tried to talk to me a few times and tell me something was wrong, that I was acting weird and asking if I was on something" and he fell silent as he rubbed the tears out of his eyes.

Ian let out a watery sigh before forcing out "before I ended up in hospital we had a big fight, I told her I was fine and that she needed to stay out of it just like she told me to stay out of her business when I asked who gave her those bruises or broken arm or whatever, we said really horrible things to each other and didnt talk after that, I spent more time up here until I ended up in hospital and when I went back to find her and apologize she was gone, she got out and I was happy for her even if she hated me" softly.

A tense silence fell while Ian glared at the floor almost hissing "she had every reason to hate me" not adding but I hate myself more. Mickey rested his hand on Ian's neck as he looked over Ian's sad expression replying "she didnt hate you, told me she thought you got mixed up in some really bad shit and wouldnt let her help and then Terry started telling both of us we needed to start pulling our weight or he was kicking us out so we got caught up in his drug running shit" firmly.

Ian nodded but he didnt really feel any better over it shyly whispering "you probably hate me" sadly. Mickey wasnt having it and lightly kicked Ian's shin with his foot "no I fucking dont so get out of here with that shit" firmly. Ian looked up with a soft smile when he noticed Mickey wasnt lying as he told him "I miss her" sadly. Mickey's expression faltered as he looked at Ian and let out a sad sigh "yeah me too" softly.

Ian just felt relieved he said all of that and Mickey didnt hate him or leave him and he didnt blame him for it either. They didnt really know what else to say after all that because didnt know what he could say to make Ian stop blaming himself over it all. He had a feeling Ian wouldnt want to hear it because he knew Ian wouldnt want his sympathy or pity. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey rested his arm over Ian's shoulders and rubbed his chest with hand while rested his head against the side of Ians' head.

He looked down to see Ian was still holding his other hand and he started to think about things back Mandy was alive. Mickey wished he had of known Ian years ago because things would have been much different for both of them but he figured it was better late than never. He just regretted never really knowing Ian until the last few months and he did wonder if things would have been much easier for both of them if they knew each other years ago.

He knew he would have stuck by Ian through the early days of his disorder. Mickey also knew he wouldnt have been alone after Mandy was killed but he figured they had each other now so he decided to just focus on that rather than having a bunch of regrets. Mickey let out a sigh while leaning against Ian wondering how he ended up pressed right up against Ian but he wasnt complaing at all.

Mickey decided to keeping going with the conversation before adding "anyway about a year ago Terry came home drunk as shit, high on meth and looking for a fight" angrily and he knew Ian probably knew all of that since Mandy would have told him at some point. Ian confirmed it as he looked at Mickey replying "yeah Mandy told me he was like that" firmly. Mickey felt sick with anxiety as he stammered "but this time was different" softly.

Mickey blankly looked down at Ian's lap realizing he had no more tears left to shed over it since he probably got it all out of his system already over the last year. He added "me and Iggy just got back home from being away on a job for Terry to see him attacking Mandy" sadly. Ian looked shocked almost whispering "shit" lightly. Mickey frowned a little as the memories flashed through his mind replying "it wasnt the first time he beat on her or any of us but she always fought back, punched and kicked as hard as she could but he's a fucking tank even when he's high and drunk" firmly.

Ian interjected "Mandy fights hard and dirty" humoredly. Mickey laughed and finally looked at Ian "yeah she does, you dont know her until youve fought her" humoredly. A less tense silence fell before Mickey lightly shoved Ian with his body before he continued "anyway he accused her of being gay because she was fighting back, said he knew she was gay and he was going to make her straight" sadly.

Ian looked visibly shocked as Mickey added with sadness and guilt in his voice "he beat the shit out of her and knocked her unconcious and raped her before me and Iggy walked in on them" firmly. Mickey lightly gripped Ian's hand with his fingers letting out a sigh "it was too late though because he killed her and then passed out on the sofa so we called the cops on the asshole and told them everything, he's in jail now and never getting out" icily.

Ian wanted to say it wasnt your fault but he didnt think it would be any good because he could see that Mickey blamed himself for it all. Ian looked at Mickey asking "was she gay" curiously. Mickey shrugged his shoulder before looking at Ian "no she was straight but she did kiss a girl one night when we went to gay bar to see what it was like, guess she was just curious" lightly before laughing while he remembered that night with his sister.

A comfortable silence fell as Mickey moved a little closer to Ian before he admitted "it was my fault she's dead" not hiding the self loathing from his voice. Ian didnt agree with that and looked at his friend while he frowned "it wasnt" firmly. Mickey wasnt believing that and scoffed "come the fuck on, Terry suspected one of us was gay and she lied for me, he had the right idea but the wrong person" angrily not adding it was my fault.

Ian really hated Mickey was blaming himself but he could see why Mickey thought Mandy being killed was his fault. Ian rested his hand on Mickey's arm as he looked at him "she was protecting you, if she didnt want to do that she would have outed you to him" firmly. Mickey knew that was true but it didnt stop the self hatred he had for himself while replying "I know but I still hate myself for it, should have been there but then the asshole probably waited until he had her alone" angrily as he realized Ian was tightly holding his hand that was resting Ian's lap.

Ian really didnt know what to say as he looked over Mickey's face hoping that his expression wasnt one of pity because he knew Mickey hated pity or sympathy. Ian wanted to say I'm sorry or its not your fault but he knew those words were of little comfort since it was too late but what he did say was "she died protecting you" softly. Mickey grimaced knowing that was true and he was just glad Ian wasnt telling him I'm sorry or its not your fault because it wasnt what he wanted to hear right now as those words were just empty and it didnt take away the fact that he felt like it was his fault because he wasnt home when Terry attacked Mandy.

Mickey looked at Ian blurting out "she shouldnt of bothered" not hiding the self loathing from his voice. Ian didnt say anything to that as another silence fell that was just filled with heaviness and sadness. Mickey looked down at Ian's chest before shyly admitting in a whisper "cant stop replaying it and blaming myself for it, tried to kill myself a few times over it, couldnt go through with it in the end" softly but he didnt add because I'm weak.

Ian looked at Mickey as he ran his hand along Mickey's arm replying "I'm glad you didnt go through with it because then you wouldnt be here with me" lightly and Ian really hated the thought of Mickey not being here at all. Mickey looked at Ian's face and saw no trace of a lie which surprised him realizing he hated the thought of not being here with Ian if he killed himself months ago.

Mickey looked downwards as he admitted "tried to kill myself months ago when it was a year since she was killed, couldnt go through it and then my brother Iggy came home before I talked myself into doing it, he told me she would want me to live my life and move on from all the bullshit since Terry was in jail for life" firmly. Ian felt happy about it replying "not going to lie but he's right and I'm glad you didnt go through with it so what made you come down to the bar" curiously.

Mickey softly laughed while pushing himself right up against Ian's warm body as he felt Ian lightly kiss him on the forehead before they silently looked at each other. Mickey shrugged his shoulder before admitting "figured he had a point and I just got sick of being alone all the time, figure some part of me was trying to prove a point in that if I went there nothing would change, it wouldnt stop the shitty way I fucking feel" sadly.

Ian nodded before replying with sadness in his voice "I totally get that, its the way I feel when I'm in a low spiral and depressed, feels like I'm drowning in my own head and there is nothing I can do about it" and he didnt hide the sadness from his expression. Ian let out a sad sigh as turned a little in his seat to face his friend and rested his hand on Mickey's hip adding "just feels like I cant breathe all the time, I just feel hopeless and worthless and cant stop over thinking things in my head and if it gets really bad I think about killing myself because it feels like its never going to end but then I dont have the energy to go kill myself although I havent been suicidal yet" softly.

Mickey frowned at the thought of no Ian in the world or his life hesitantly asking "you wont kill yourself" not hiding the surprise from his voice or expression. Ian faltered as he looked at Mickey sadly whispering "Monica killed herself because she was depressed, just feel like I'm going to go the same way" lightly. Mickey didnt hesitate as he looked at Ian knowing he meant every word "I wont let you do that, youve got me" firmly.

Ian softly laughed in disbelief and slightly grinned shyly asking "really" hating that he sounded so hesitant but he was used to people abandoning him when things with his disorder got real very fast. Mickey kept his arm wrapped around Ian's shoulders not hesistating "yeah I fucking mean it, I know I havent seen it happen yet but I need you a lot so your bipolar can go fuck itself" firmly.

Ian felt relieved at that and softly laughed knowing he believed his best friend as there was no trace of a lie on Mickey's face. Ian lightly kissed Mickey on the lips before looking at him replying "good to know" softly and he felt a bit lighter about everthing to do with is disorder. A comfortable silence fell before Ian shyly whispered "I need you too so please remember that next time you think about ending it" softly.

Mickey knew what Ian meant replying "no plans to kill myself for the time being, I'm just used to feeling depressed all the time, not as bad as it can be for you but for me maybe its normal" lightly not adding I dont really know anymore. Mickey felt frustrated at his lack of making sense almost growling "fuck Im not making any sense" angrily. Ian looked at him while he interjected "you are, I get it" firmly as he remembered his low cycles and the wanting to die all the time.

Mickey just felt too emotionally exposed and willed himself to move away from Ian but he didnt as Ian asked "so why did you leave that night at the bar and then came back here a week later" curiously as it was something he had been wondering for months. Mickey stared at the floor wondering if he should be honest but then he was all night so decided to keep going "I panicked when you said you knew who I was and I dont know it just felt weird, you knew who I was and saw past my last name and was nice to me like you wanted to talk to me" before falling silent again.

Ian sligthly grinned pushing himself closer to Mickey while looking at the floor almost whispering "you were the only person I ever asked back to here, didnt want anyone else" softly. Ian looked at Mickey to see him looking back at him and Ian didnt hesitate as he whispered "also you reminded me of Mandy" firmly. Mickey silently looked at Ian before admitting "you reminded me of Mandy too, I saw you with her a few times, its why I left the first night and then came back here when I realized I missed talking to you" lightly and internally groaned at admitting the last part but it was too late now.

Ian slightly grinned as he lightly shoved his friend and Mickey lightly scoffed at Ian before they both started laughing to themselves as they silently wondered what Mandy would think of both of them right now. They both knew she would probably tell them they were both idiots. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand before teasing "you're a fucking idiot" lightly. Ian laughed as he lightly kissed Mickey's neck before replying "I know and if you must know Mandy told me that too plenty of times" humouredly. Mickey laughed "she's right" lightly.

They fell into another one of their comfortable silences before Mickey blurted out "I came back because I liked you, I was happy that night here with you, you made me laugh and forget about the shit in my head for a while, made me stop hating myself for a few hours until I went home and started hating myself again, just felt too alone in that house by myself, its why I've never really left here" shyly.

Ian didnt know how to feel at those words but he realized just how much Mickey needed him just liked he needed Mickey which for both of them was a lot. Ian looked at Mickey not hiding how much he meant it from his face or expression "youre always welcome here, when I gave you a spare key I told you this place was yours too and that if I didnt want you here then I wouldnt have asked you, I meant it then and I mean it now" firmly.

Mickey looked over Ian's face and he knew Ian meant it then and he meant it now so he replied "I know" softly. Ian slightly grinned and seeing how happy Ian looked Mickey knew it was probably the same for Ian. Mickey didnt even care he admitted "I'm happy here with you, you make me happy and feel like my life is worth living again, dont really want to die so much anymore" not adding at least when I'm with you but he had a feeling Ian got the message.

Ian faltered at the words but shyly smirked at Mickey not looking away from him and he didnt hesitate "same here about you, I'm glad you came back to the bar and that I met you" firmly. Mickey looked a little shocked blurting out in a whisper "really" not hiding the doubt from his voice. Ian rested his hand on Mickey's stomach as he sadly admitted "yeah, ever since my diagnosis I've always thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life" shyly.

Mickey took Ian's hand in his own as he looked at Ian asking "why" curiously. Ian bitterly scoffed "as I said my family washed their hands of me, told me they didnt want to know if I had any problems, that they werent going through Monica again with me" angrily. Mickey knew a little about Monica from what Ian told him over the last few months. He knew she was bipolar but was unmedicated and left her family to deal with the chaos she left behind as she breezed in and out of their lives for as long as they were alive.

Mickey looked at Ian "you're not Monica" firmly. Ian looked back at him "you're the only one who thinks so" softly and he had a feeling Mickey would fight anyone who told him he was Monica. Ian looked down at the floor adding "Mandy was my only friend and then when we drifted apart and never really saw each other and it was around the time my disorder started so I was all alone" lightly.

Ian fell silent before admitting "as I said I used to come up here to the gay bars to party and got involved in drugs and shit to self to medicate, I overdosed one night and ended up in hospital, somehow I ended up in the psych ward for reasons I don't really remember but I stayed there for six months to get the bipolar under control and accept it" lightly. Mickey frowned at Ian's words looking at him asking "what happened after that" curiously.

Ian frowned before adding "when I was in hospital I told my family what happened, that I was bipolar but they never came to see me, told me I wasn't their problem and to call Monica if I needed anything" not hiding just how hurt he was over it all. Mickey couldn't believe what he heard angrily sighing "fucking assholes" as he looked over Ian's face. Ian looked at Mickey's collar bone before continuing "anyway when I eventually got home my family ignored me all the time so I got a job in the bar where I work and a guy I worked with was leaving Chicago and said I could have his place when he left so I moved in here and never went back to the South side" firmly.

Mickey didnt know how anyone could turn their back on Ian because Ian was the nicest person he ever met and he knew he could never treat Ian so horribly. He was broken from his thoughts when Ian added "I'm living here five years but at the start I started seeing a few guys but when they found out I was crazy they left, told me they couldn't deal with my brand of crazy or would just drop all contact and never talk to me again so I just stopped trying to be with anyone, figured being bipolar was a deal breaker" and he didnt hide the self loathing from his voice.

Mickey looked at Ian as he angrily scoffed "their fucking loss" firmly. Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head adding "its not a deal breaker for me, I don't give a shit about the bipolar, I'll help you anyway I can so just tell me what you need when you need it" firmly. Ian shyly grinned knowing Mickey meant those words as he looked at him replying "I will and I glad I met you" not adding I plan on keeping you for a long time.

Mickey shyly grinned "good and you're not fucking getting rid me" not adding I'm glad I met you too. Both of them seemed to notice the unsaid words, that they were with each other for life and they were both okay with that because they needed the other person so much. They fell into another one of their comfortable silences where they glanced at each other but still remained tangled up in each other in their spot on the sofa.

Mickey was resting his forehead against the side of Ian's head while Ian was staring at the TV when he curiously asked "what's mania like" lightly. Ian frowned a little knowing that he could be honest with Mickey because Mickey wouldn't judge him for it at all. Ian looked at Mickey hesitating before forcing out "cant really explain it but I cant sleep because I'm so full of restless energy, I can party all night and sleep for two hours before going on an eight mile run, I get hypersexual and the thoughts race around my mind at light speed" lightly.

Ian fell silent before continuing with confusion "its feels like I'm vibrating out of my skin, the colours seem more vibrant and brighter, I feel limitless and I have no concept of danger, I could jump off a roof thinking I could fly or some shit, Monica nearly did it once until we talked her down off the roof, I don't know if it makes sense" hoping he was going his point across.

Mickey pulled Ian closer to him as he rested his other arm across Ian's waist while looking at Ian as he replied "you are" firmly. Mickey paused not looking away from Ian before whispering "don't take this the wrong way but I think I would have liked to have experienced that during the worst days of my life after Mandy died" lightly. Ian frowned not really sure where Mickey was going with this at all.

Mickey anxiously chewed on his lip before adding "just mean it would have been nice to feel good or happy for a while even if I know I'm going to crash at any time into depression" lightly. Ian blurted out "can understand that" softly and he didnt know why he said it at all. He knew how mania could get but since Mickey had been depressed for so long he understood why Mickey would probably feel that way.

Mickey silently looked at Ian before replying "back then way before I met you it just would have been nice to not feel so shit for a while" firmly. Ian rested his hand on Mickey's arm that was lying across his stomach as he looked at him "I get it, you don't have to explain" firmly. Mickey saw Ian meant it and let out a tense sigh whispering with sadness "its just so tiring being so down all the time, its never ending" lightly.

Ian slightly smiled but it was gone as quick as it were there as he admitted "but mania isn't as good as it sounds" lightly. Mickey sensed there was more and frowned "what do you mean" curiously. Ian exhaled before he replied "sure its great for a while but you become reckless, you don't see the danger you place yourself in, I knew people in the hospital that were in wheelchairs because they jumped off a building when they were manic" firmly.

Ian fell silent before looking at Mickey adding "I never got that bad when I was manic, got in a few fights with some racist homophobic skinheads that hang around gay bars looking to beat up a few gays but that was it" softly. Mickey couldn't help laugh "those fucking racist homophobic assholes deserve all the shit they get" humouredly as he pictured Ian beating the shit out of those guys and he knew Ian could take them down no problem.

Ian laughed in agreement before replying "the guy that lived here before me, he stopped me from nearly killing them one night, he thought I was on drugs or some shit when I started making plans to kill them but I knew it was more than that so I went back to my doctor a few days later and she adjusted my meds, the mania was creeping back" lightly.

They fell into a comfortable silence and were just taking each other in before Ian whispered "I'm trying to say that mania isn't a genuine feel good feeling, its not real, its an itch that can never be scratched, its chaos and I hate it because I'm not in control and its like I'm just an observer in my own body, I'm there but I've no control over it but at the same time I get where your coming from you know" sadly.

Mickey got it better now as he nodded "yeah I get it" but he didnt add that he just felt scared at what Ian just told him about it. Ian pushed himself closer to Mickey who just wrapped his arms around tightly feeling glad he wasn't alone anymore and it was nice to talk to someone about his disorder with someone that wasn't his therapist or doctor. Mickey lightly kissed his forehead before asking "hey Ian will you tell me when you start to feel manic or depressed" curiously and he didnt hide the concern in his voice.

Ian opened his eyes to look at Mickey as he felt the weight of the words sink in and seeing no trace of a lie on Mickey's face he replied "yeah I will" firmly as he started the feel like he wasn't alone anymore. Ian felt like this was his chance to ask his question as he silently rubbed his hand along Mickey's arm before looking at him knowing he had to ask eventually.

When Mickey looked at him Ian asked "part of my disorder is needing and emergency contact if something happens, I don't have anyone for that contact, never really thought anyone would give a shit" softly. Mickey frowned asking "why do you need one" curiously. Ian grimaced but he didnt look away replying with hesitance in his voice "if I overdosed or tried to kill myself or something, I could call you or you would be called if something happened to me and you weren't there, you'd have to make my decisions for me, that kind of thing" lightly.

Mickey hoped it wouldn't get to that point but he didnt hesitate "yeah if you want, wish you told me sooner though" firmly. Ian softly laughed thinking he was such an idiot for thinking Mickey would leave when it was obvious by now that he wasn't going anywhere any time soon. Ian softly smirked but it was gone as quick as it appeared as he admitted with sadness "didnt trust anyone, thought they would leave when they knew the truth" and he didnt hide how much he really meant those words.

Mickey looked over Ian's face before making eye contact replying "you got me okay, we don't need anyone else" firmly. Ian didnt look away and he softly laughed as he noticed there was no hint of a lie on Mickey's face replying "okay, its just us" softly before he leaned in closer to his friend. Ian buried his face against Mickey's collarbone breathing in the smell he loved so much as he let out a sigh of relief that this whole conversation turned out more than okay and he felt his fears of Mickey leaving him for good start to fade away.

Mickey held Ian a bit tighter realizing he just felt glad he wasn't alone anymore and that he met Ian and he knew he would always look out for Ian. They both got lost in their own thoughts for a while as they found comfort in each others company before going to bed for the night. They lay there in the darkness with their arms around each other before falling asleep for the night.

Both of them knew that after tonight things would never be the same again. They both knew something between them changed and they crossed the line from friendship into something else. It felt like they had become much closer and they realized just how much they both needed the other person and they were both okay with that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to explain Mickey saying he would have liked to have experienced mania a little more. I've mentioned on another story that I used to have depression related to my PTSD. Back then I knew someone through a friend that was bipolar and they stopped taking their meds because they liked being manic because it made them feel good and they explained why. I told my therapist at the time I would love to be manic for a day just to feel happy again even though I know I will crash eventually because it would be worth it to feel happy again after feeling so depressed for so long. My therapist told me mania wasn't real happiness and I've used what she told me in this story for what Ian said to Mickey about being manic. But I was using that experience for Mickey in this story. I don't know if she was wrong so if I am please feel free to tell me I'm wrong and why so I can go correct it.


	7. Chapter 7

Mickey tiredly groaned as he started to waken up noticing the brightness filling the room through the curtains. As he rubbed his face with his hand and the sleep out of his eyes he noticed he was engulfed in Ian's warm arms that were wrapped around him from behind as they lay in Ian's bed. He knew Ian was still asleep from the sound of his slow breathing and he remembered last nights conversation about everything from Ian's bipolar disorder to his self blame over what happened to Mandy.

Mickey burrowed back into Ian's warm body trying not to grin at the way Ian tightened his arms around him but he just felt like he could stay here for the rest of his life. It was scary thought as he always thought he would be alone and probably die alone too. He knew that when he was fifteen and realized he was gay and he knew if Terry found out then Terry would literally kill him for something he never asked to be which was gay.

Mickey didnt know how he managed to stay off Terry's radar but he was just glad Terry never asked questions as he was too involved in drugs and guns to ever give a shit about anything else. So Mickey just buried his feelings deciding they didnt matter, being gay was not an option not if he wanted to survive in the shithole called his house and family that didnt really care about each other at all.

He didnt have any problem with someone being gay but for him he just felt like it was wrong and it was something he needed to bury to depths of his mind and be forgotten if he wanted to stay alive when Terry was around. But all of that repression over the years didnt stop the lingering looks he gave guys he found attractive. When he was eighteen he realized he didnt care if he was gay not when he had a crush on a filled out Ian who he saw from time to time around the southside and when he would see Ian with Mandy occasionally at the house.

Mickey wasnt going to hate himself for it anymore and it took a lot of work but he got to the point where he was okay with it but doing something about it was another thing entirely. He knew a lot of that acceptance was down to Mandy but now he wished he never told her he was gay because she would probably still be alive. Even though Ian told him it wasnt his fault Terry killed Mandy Mickey still felt like he could have prevented it by being in the closet permanently.

He knew the only reason Terry suspected was because he was always sneaking off to the northside with Mandy on the weekends to party in the some of the gay clubs. When he used to go to the bars on his own at first he just went there to get what he needed and then leave again because he was too afraid of it getting back to Terry. Even getting back out there after Terry was in jail for a year Mickey still felt afraid it would somehow get back to Terry.

He really hated that the monster that killed Mandy still had some sort of power over him and how he lived his life. That night when he saw Ian working behind the bar he realized the crush he had on Ian when he was younger never went away. It just came crashing back twice as strong and Mickey happily rode that wave and it surprised him even more that Ian talked to him and invited him back to his apartment.

When they first started being friends Mickey was waiting for the penny to drop and for Ian to tell him they were done but it never happened and he found that he broke all his rules for Ian over the the last number of months. But last night he felt like something had changed between them and he felt like he could be happy again because Ian made him happier than he had been in what felt like forever.

Mickey couldnt help feel regret for saying all of what he did to Ian because he never told anyone those sort or things or what was going on in his head. But with Ian he felt safe, he felt like he could trust Ian and even more surprising he wanted to be around Ian all the fucking time and it always surprised him Ian never told him he needed some space for a while. Ever since he started to know Ian he was always in Ian's apartment and some part of him thought Ian probably didnt want him to leave especially since Ian gave him a key.

He was just glad that he didnt run away from Ian like he wanted to at the beginning because he hated the thought that everything they had now he would be missing out on in his life. At first he wanted to run away but then he decided to quit running away from Ian so he stayed and it was scary to know that all he wanted was to be around Ian and Ian wanted him around too.

He liked Ian so much despite his lame jokes and really bad puns that were funny but then he thought Ian was a big adorable funny idiot that was easy too like and it was nice to have Ian as a friend. He was just surprised Ian wanted him around because his own family hated him so much they avoided him so he expected that behaviour off Ian too. But it was quite obvious to Mickey that Ian didnt hate him not if he asked him to stay every time they were together over the last few months.

Mickey didnt know when he let Ian in past all of his walls but now that it happened he was quite happy to let it happen and to let Ian stay there because he felt like he could trust Ian. Especially since Ian told him a lot of stuff last night and he knew if he ever saw those guys who made Ian feel like shit over his disorder then he was going to beat the shit out of them for their cruel words.

He didnt know why anyone would ever be horrible to him and Mickey internally groaned at the realization but at the same time he didnt care at all. Mickey started to slightly grin when he felt Ian waken up and pull him closer while softly kissing him on the back of his neck. He was glad of the distraction in the form of a red head and he turned around to wrap his arms around Ian who just intensly kissed him until they were out of breath.

When they stopped Ian looked at Mickey with surprise on his expression mumbling "morning" not adding I didnt think you would be here when I woke up. Ian really wasnt expecting Mickey to be here since they were so honest last night he thought Mickey might have left the apartment for some space for a while before he came back to the apartment.

Mickey noticed the surprised look on Ian's face and he hated he was the reason for that doubt as he ran out on Ian before so he rubbed his hand along Ian's spine hesitantly admitting "kind of tired of running away all the time, I wanted to stay" softly not wanting to break the comfortable quietness of Ian's room. Ian stopped himself from grinning replying "glad you did" but the excitment was there in his voice.

Mickey noticed it and softly laughed as he looked over Ian's face muttering "whatever" lightly. Ian rested his hand on Mickey's ribs shyly asking "you have to go back today" curiously. Mickey knew Ian meant to the Southside replying "yeah later on, Iggy wants to talk to me something so you working today" curiously. Ian slightly shook his head as he intensely looked at Mickey whispering "not until this evening so you have me all to yourself" firmly.

A comfortable silence fell before Mickey slightly laughed asking "so what about them movies we never finished watching" lightly. Ian grinned a bit too widly and even his eyes shined as he whispered "sure" while completely failing to play it cool but then he was never one for taking it slow. Ian knew he liked Mickey a lot and he was all in even if he knew he was in too deep but he didnt care anymore.

Mickey pulled himself right up against Ian feeling every inch of his warm body but he didnt want that right now. He wanted something else as he felt his stomach rumble as he looked at Ian asking "so pancakes for breakfast" curiously. Ian slightly laughed "sure" not adding along with a bunch of meds as he rolled on top of Mickey. Mickey lay on his back looking up at Ian while resting his hands on Ian's waist asking "you okay" curiously and he didnt hide the concern from his face.

Ian looked down at him resting on elbows while slightly shaking his head "yeah" shyly before hesitantly adding "just glad you stayed" not adding I didnt want to be alone last night. As Ian went to get out of the bed Mickey stopped him replying "me too" firmly but didnt add I'd like us to be more. Ian grinned as he looked over Mickey's face blurting out without thinking "you want to stay here permanetly" firmly.

A silence fell as Mickey stared up at Ian not hiding his surprised expression while letting hands slide down to rest on Ian's hips before hesitantly asking "you want me to" cautiously. Ian noticed that caution and looked over Mickey's face not even hesitating "yeah I do, youre always here and you said you dont want to go back to that shithole to get more stuff so why not" firmly. Mickey slightly grinned before laughing "yeah why the fuck not, guess you got yourself a new roomate" lightly.

Ian grinned at him not hiding the happiness from his face as he kissed Mickey on the lips replying "good" firmly before getting out of the bed. They both got dressed and got some food before watching some movies during the day.

* * *

 

Mickey finally made his way back to his house in the Southside to grab the rest of his clothes while Ian was working at the bar. He was kind of glad of the space as it gave him time to think about what Ian asked him that morning and he also felt slightly uneasy with how open and honest he was with Ian. As he walked around his room grabbing his clothes and shoving them into his bag he realized more and more of his stuff was ending up in Ian's bedroom.

He felt even more uneasy at the realization that he was now living with Ian and it was freaking him out a lot. He thought about texting Ian and telling him he wont be at the apartment for a few days as he had a job with his brother out of town. If he were honest with himself the conversation with Ian where he told him about Mandy was also freaking him out a lot. He wasnt expecting Ian's reaction of comfort but instead he was expecting Ian to be hostile towards him and tell him it was his fault Mandy was dead.

But Ian surprised him by telling him it wasnt his fault but Mickey didnt really feel any better over those words. On some level he knew Ian was right and that he needed to stop punishing himself so much for someone else's actions. When he stuffed the last of his things into his bag he zipped it shut deciding he needed to stop with the self punishment and blame because it was killing him from the inside.

He couldn't do it anymore and he knew Mandy wouldn't want him to be blaming himself over what Terry did because he knew she would blame Terry too. But he just felt afraid all the time like he didnt deserve to be happy and it was an insult to Mandy if he was happy. He just felt so torn and conflicted that he really didnt know what to do anymore. He hated that some days he was depressed and felt empty inside while other days he felt happy especially if he was around Ian.

Even more than that he hated he was starting to forget about Mandy as he spent more and more time with Ian. He really loved being with Ian and he knew it wouldnt be a lie if he felt some sort of connection to Mandy through Ian because Ian used to be her best friend. It was that connection that made him doubt himself and if starting things up with Ian was a bad idea.

He quickly pushed that thought away because he knew whatever he had with Ian was way more than that because they both made it clear they liked each other a lot. He looked around his bedroom realizing he didnt want to be the person he was before he met Ian anymore. He couldn't move on if he stayed in this house full of bad memories and painful reminders of his past.

He wanted to move with Ian and something told him Ian needed him just as much as he needed Ian. Mickey slightly grinned at the thought of Ian before shaking his head to himself and left his room shutting the door behind him and on his past too. He really couldn't wait to start living the rest of his life with Ian and he really hated just how smitten he was with the red head.

As he slammed the front door behind him and walked down the street without looking back he realized he was done with this horrible place and he had no reason to come back here ever again unless it was to help his brother out from time to time.

* * *

 

Ian was at work at the bar and could barely focus on serving the customers as he wondered just what exactly he was with Mickey. He knew they were best friends that slept with each other and also lived together because they both wanted to be around each other so much. But Ian hated he was in that stage where he wanted more and he wasnt sure Mickey would be able to give him what he wanted which was boyfriend status and a relationship.

He was kind of afraid to ask too because he knew he always pushed for more too quickly and he was lucky asking Mickey to move in didnt back fire and go wrong. He knew Mickey was still dealing with depression and his own issues with Mandy and he may not be ready for a relationship. Ian was standing behind the bar completely lost in his thoughts clearing glasses from the bar top and dumping them in the tray to be washed.

He vaugely heard someone ask for a drink before he felt someone punch him on the arm. He looked up at the person glaring at them as he snapped "the fuck" angrily. When he noticed who it was he laughed "when did you get back" lightly. Mickey appreciativly looked over Ian as he laughed "a few minutes ago but you were fucking spaced out" humoredly. Ian yelled to his coworker that he was taking his break before he grabbed a bottle of beer and glass of water before walking around the bar to sit beside Mickey.

Ian put their drinks on the bar and pulled his seat right up against Mickey as he asked "how come you had to go back anyway, what did Iggy want" curiously. Mickey drank some of his beer before looking at Ian "said he's leaving Southside for good, got a legit job with his friend over on the other side of Illinois so he's moving there tomorrow" firmly. Ian looked surprised "really" firmly.

Mickey laughed "yeah about time we got out of that shithole, just wish Mandy was here to see it" firmly. Ian nodded in agreement "yeah" softly. Mickey elbowed Ian's ribs as he looked at him "anyway think we're going to sell the house, I suggested burning it to the ground but forensics are good these days, dont want it traced back to us and end up in a cell beside Terry on an arson charge" icily.

Ian slid his arm over Mickey's shoulders as he lightly kissed his cheek before muttering "good, dont want you in fucking jail" firmly. Mickey softly laughed as he drank his beer trying but failing to hate the way Ian seemed to be lying all over him but if he were honest with himself he knew he loved it when Ian was all over him either here or at the apartment. Mickey knew he loved the way his whole side was pressed right up against Ian and even though he hated being like this with Ian he was slowly getting used to it too.

Mickey looked at Ian with a small grin on his face "guess now I've no reason to go back to the Southisde anymore, just need to get a job" lightly. Ian grinned back at him and kissed Mickey on the lips before replying "think they're looking for staff here, can put a word in if you want" firmly but he didnt say how much he loved the idea of working with Mickey. Mickey silently looked at Ian before replying "yeah okay, dont think they'll hire me but knock yourself out" firmly even if working with Ian wouldn't be a bad thing but Mickey knew it wouldn't happen at all so he wouldn't get his hopes up about it.

Ian hated that Mickey was like this so he just grinned at him before quipping "good" firmly. Mickey looked at Ian as he softly laughed wishing he had the nerve to ask Ian if there was something more between them because sometimes like right now it felt like they were more than just friends. He had already noticed the longing looks Ian gave him and he knew Ian noticed them from him too but they both never had the nerve to say anything about it.

Mickey noticed Ian wanted to ask something but changed his mind and went to walk away when Mickey grabbed Ian's arm and pulled him back asking "what" curiously and he hoped Ian didnt change his mind. Ian remained standing and leaned his back against the bar as he looked at Mickey deciding he needed to know so shyly asked "just wanted to know if we're a couple or not" lightly.

Mickey almost sighed in relief knowing he had the same thoughts for ages so he moved to stand between Ian's legs while lightly gripping Ian's hips as he looked at him not even hesitating with a small smile "of course we are" softly. Ian grinned at him while feeling relieved that they were now a couple and he could say that Mickey was his boyfriend when ever someone asked him if Mickey was his boyfriend at the bar.

He hated having to say it was complicated but he didnt want to say they were something they werent like a couple in case Mickey wasnt on the same page as he was when it came their relationship. Mickey looked over Ian's face realizing he really did love Ian but he knew it was too soon to say it and deciding to just leave it for another time. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck and pulled his boyfriend towards him to kiss him on the lips which Ian returned by pulling them right up against each other.

As the kiss became more intense Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey thinking he should have asked that question a lot sooner. When they stopped to breathe Mickey leaned against Ian while sliding his hands under Ian's tshirt lightly running his fingers along Ian's hips taking comfort in his warm skin. Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's asking "when you finished here" curiously.

Ian looked at his boyfriend while he groaned "in a few hours" and he didnt hide the frustration in his voice. Mickey softly laughed "suppose I'll wait" lightly even though he wished Ian was finshed work like right now. Ian laughed as he wrapped his arms around Mickey's back pulling them closer together even though there was no space between their bodies at all but he liked the comfort a lot.

Ian felt like just going home right now because he just wanted to be with Mickey a whole lot more than being here in a room full of strangers as he mumbled "better get back to work" softly but he didnt move away at all. Mickey looked over Ian's disgruntled face and laughed "dont sound happy about that" lightly as he smirked knowingly at Ian. Ian leaned against Mickey and intesely kissed his boyfriend and when they stopped to breathe Ian mumbled "I'm not" firmly.

Mickey looked over Ian's face hating that he admitted "neither am I" lightly before internally groaning at admitting it out loud. Ian softly laughed and felt glad he wasnt the only one before asking "you going to wait" curiously. Mickey kissed Ian again before looking at Ian "yeah why the fuck not" not adding not going to sit at home on my own not if youre here. Ian slightly grinned before sighing "good" and lightly kissed his boyfriend on the forehead before walking away.

Mickey watched Ian walk away and sat on the seat at the bar trying but failing to hide the small grin on his face. Mickey silently watched Ian who put a bottle of beer in front of him telling him "its on me" lightly. Mickey took the beer as he looked at Ian while he humoredly scoffed "it always is" firmly. Ian just laughed at him before he went back to work and left Mickey to his own thoughts before they went home for the night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a time jump in this chapter which is why everything is a bit lighter between Ian and Mickey. I haven't set out how much of a time jump like I normally do but I'm leaving it at a jump of a few months between this chapter and the last chapter.  
> ______________________________________________

Mickey sat on the wall outside the clinic where Ian had his appointments for his therapy with his doctor. Ian asked him to come with him to a few sessions so he could talk about things and for Mickey to see what was going on in his head. Mickey knew he would do anything for Ian so he went along with his boyfriend knowing it would also give him some insight into Ian's disorder.

Ever since the issue of Mandy came up in one of those sessions Ian's therapist had doubled their time from one hour to two and had been pushing him to talk about what happened with Mandy. When the therapist confirmed Mickey being depressed he just felt like telling the guy 'no shit' because he knew he had been depressed for years. Instead Mickey just slightly nodded his head muttering 'whatever' but only Ian heard it and lightly tapped him on the knee before slightly laughing too.

Since then Mickey had been going on a weekly basis with Ian and as he sat on the wall after one of their therapy appointments smoking a cigarette he realized he felt a little better about everything that happened with Mandy. He really hated going and he hated talking about shit he couldnt change but he wanted to move on from it because he felt like was stuck in a bad place that he could never leave.

But since he had been dealing with it and forcing himself to talk about it he realized he was starting to move past it all and stop with the self blame while realizing he couldnt have done anything at all to stop Terry killing Mandy. He also thought Ian had a lot to do with that too. He inhaled some of the cigarette before slightly laughing to himself as he stared at the ground while lightly kicking the wall with his heels. He rubbed his face wondering how long Ian would be and how long did take to get a fucking prescription.

It was the middle of summer and it was too hot to be sitting outside with the sun shining in the middle of the day and no cloud cover. He didnt even finish the cigarette and stubbed it out on the wall before letting it fall on the ground thinking he needed to get out of here and away from the thoughts his therapist forced him to drag from the darkest depths of his mind and into the light of day. He looked around the street feeling relieved that it wasnt busy because he just wanted to be alone right now.

He let out a tense sigh while lightly gripping the edge of the wall with his hands when he saw Ian appear in front of him as he scoffed "about fucking time" but there was no anger in his voice. Ian softly laughed as he looked at Mickey mumbling "sorry got delayed" lightly. Mickey leaned back a little as he blatently checked Ian out in his tight green tshirt with his blue hoodie unzipped while quipping "yeah takes a long time to get a fucking prescription" icily.

Ian noticed it and softly laughed as he stepped a little closer looking at his boyfriend while retorting "next time I'll tell them to hurry up, that youre waiting for me" humoredly. Mickey scoffed as he lightly kicked Ian's leg while teasing "yeah you fucking do that" firmly before they both laughed at each other. A comfortable silence fell as Ian moved to the side to lean against the wall and looked at Mickey before lowly asking "but seriously, you okay after that, I know you hate talking about Terry and what he was like" curiously.

Mickey shrugged his shoulder while looking at the ground and anxiously biting his lip before muttering "got to be done, its the way I see it" not hiding the hurt in his voice. Ian really hated they were in the street right now because it meant he couldnt reach out his hand to his boyfriend. It was times like this he really hated being gay because there was a risk they would get abuse for openly showing affection or comfort to each other.

He also knew Mickey wasnt really okay with people knowing he was gay unless they were at home or work or in gay bar where no one gave a shit. Ian stepped a little closer to Mickey and rested his hand on the wall behind him and lightly tugged at the bottom of Mickey's tshirt with his fingers not really knowing what to say so he just remained silent. Mickey looked over at Ian who was now staring at the ground and told him "just hate talking about that asshole" angrily.

Ian nodded his head in agreement "same for me with my family" firmly. Another silence fell before Mickey slid off the wall and stood in front of Ian asking "want to get something to eat after you get your meds and then go for a drink later" curiously. Ian looked up at him replying "yeah but we're leaving the meds at home first" lightly not adding I dont need to be carrying them around for people to see.

Mickey slightly laughed "okay then" before turning and walking down the street. He laughed as Ian ran to catch up with him as they walked down the street to the pharmacy before going back to their apartment for some food. They never went to the bar that night as the decided to just stay at home since it was their night off.

* * *

 

Mickey was lying on the sofa with the TV playing in the background as he listened to Ian tell a story about an idiot customer he had to deal with at work. Mickey looked at Ian who was sitting on the small table in front of the sofa eating some food when Mickey laughed at Ian scoffing "just kick the asshole out already, he's already been punched a couple of times like he fucking deserves" lightly as he rolled a joint on his stomach.

Ian laughed just as he was finished his food teasing "yeah and you were one of them, you were lucky he didnt get you fired" humoredly as he remembered that night. Mickey raised his eyebrows looking at Ian almost hissing "that's what he gets for thinking he can say that shit to me, who the fuck does he think he is and who the fuck says that shit to people" angrily.

Mickey really hated the guy Ian was talking about almost growling "he doesnt know shit about me so has no right to tell me I'm a self hating homo just because I'm not waving a fucking rainbow flag every time I fucking leave my house and telling everyone I'm fucking gay, not everyone is fucking comfortable with being gay and other people knowing you are, what fucking planet does he live on, he's asking for a fucking fag bash with that attitude" angrily.

Ian swallowed down the last of his food before putting the empty plate on the table "yeah I know, youre right" wondering if he should say what happened at work today. Mickey slightly shrugged his shoulder as he calmed down a little while silently looking at Ian whispering "only you need to know, dont give a shit what anyone else thinks they know" softly. Ian heard it but didnt comment as he moved from the table and sat on top of Mickey's abdomen with a leg each side of him while grinning down at his boyfriend.

Ian just told him "we cant kick him out and bar him though since he's fucking the manager" lightly. Mickey scoffed as he finished rolling the joint retorting "still an asshole, an entitled one at that and if he says shit to me again I'll break his fucking spine, dont give a shit if he's fucking the manager" angrily. Ian silently looked at Mickey before asking "you never told me but what did he say to you that night when you punched him" curiously as he rested his hands on Mickey's ribs.

A silence fell as Ian watched Mickey finish rolling the joint and he didnt miss the pain mixed with anger and self loathing flash across Mickey's face. Mickey pulled his knees up behind Ian's back not missing the way Ian leaned back against them while he let out a tense sigh wondering if this was a good idea. Mickey dropped the joint on the armrest beside his head before resting his hands on Ian's hips deciding he might as well tell Ian what happened that night because he couldnt keep avoiding the conversation for ever.

Mickey stared at Ian's stomach taking comfort in the way Ian was sitting on top of him as it made him feel grounded and he always liked it when Ian was all over him in the privacy of their own home. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand forcing out "the asshole said in the closet gay people are cowards and should just come out because they have to and it doesnt matter what the risk is since most people wont give a shit" firmly.

Ian shook his head in disbelief and he really wished he punched the guy earlier at work. Mickey looked at Ian as he continued "told him he might think differently if he lived in the fucking Southside and had Terry as a father who would have literally fucking killed me if he found out I was gay" angrily. Ian nodded in agreement as Mickey angrily admitted "just didnt tell him he killed Mandy because she covered for me, when it should have been me he killed" firmly.

Ian rubbed his hand along Mickey's ribs as he looked at him "dont think he would have cared that much, he gave me shit today because me and you arent screaming it from the rooftops like he is" icily. Mickey grumbled his agreement before scoffing "he's a fucking asshole, maybe he should get the shit kicked out of him and he might see why some people dont want other people knowing they are gay, I was fucking sick of his you have to come out even if you get killed shit so I punched him in the fucking face and told him to get the fuck out of my sight" angrily.

A tense silence fell as Mickey looked over Ian's face adding "I'll fucking kill him for saying shit to you" icily. Ian looked down at his boyfriend with a small grin on his face knowing Mickey would do that as he added "he found out about us, said he didnt believe me because we dont act like we are a couple" lightly. Mickey glanced at Ian while he scoffed "yeah fucking right, think last night proved we are" in a knowing tone.

Ian softly laughed while slightly shaking his head knowing what they did in the privacy of their own home while they acted like close friends in public. Ian looked at Mickey with a small smirk replying "he obviously didnt see us at the bar on our night off or our breaks, we aint hiding it there are we" humoredly. Mickey slid his hand under Ian's shirt as he grinned up at Ian "you start it and I'm not going to fucking say no am I" firmly before laughed to himself over it.

Ian slightly grinned and decided not to tell Mickey that the guy also said he could do better than the street trash called his boyfriend because he knew it would get to Mickey too much. He knew it would because he knew just how insecure Mickey could be at times over their relationship and it took him a long time to make Mickey believe that he wanted him and no one else. So no way was he rocking that boat.

Mickey slightly shook his head as he pulled Ian closer to him and looked at Ian shyly admitting "he tell you I'm not good enough for you, asshole called me dumpster scum and was going to get me fired before I knocked his fucking teeth out" icily not adding might as well have a good reason to be fired. Mickey slightly smirked but it was bitter one adding "didnt get fucking fired yet" angrily.

Ian's face fell and he didnt hide his shock hesitantly admitting "yeah he did but I told him he was wrong, didnt know me or you and to fuck off" firmly. They silently looked at each other as Mickey slid his hands under Ian's tshirt feeling his warm skin under his fingers before admitting "Ian I dont give a shit about what he or what any of those assholes think they know, they dont know me" not adding I only care what you think and know and its enough for me.

Ian felt warm at the words and tried to fight a small grin while looking at his boyfriend "yeah same here" softly. A comfortable silence fell before Ian frowned scoffing "yeah he's full of shit" firmly. Mickey softly laughed as he looked at Ian before whispering "sometimes I think he's not wrong" lightly. Ian looked at him replying "well he is, I dont want anyone else and he doesnt know shit about me" firmly. Mickey rubbed his face again trying to hide his growing smile but Ian noticed it and teased "dont be shy" lightly.

Mickey groaned "fuck off" lightly. A comfortable silence fell as Mickey rubbed his hands along Ian's ribs thinking he could never get enough of Ian. As he lay there with Ian he knew he wanted to do this the other day but he couldnt because they were in the middle of the street and he wasnt looking to be gay bashed in broad daylight. He wasnt sure about a lot of things in his life but as he looked at his boyfriend he realized he owed him a lot and he was just happy that he met Ian.

He didnt realize how much he needed someone until he met Ian and he slightly grinned at the realization. Ian frowned a little not hiding his confusion while trailing his hand along Mickey's stomach taking comfort in his warm body heat coming through his clothes asking "the fuck you looking at" lightly. Ian rolled his eyes not even caring he was starting to sound like his boyfriend as the days passed and Mickey laughed at the expression too.

Mickey looked at Ian not even caring that it slipped out "you" firmly. Ian cleared his throat not expecting that as he looked down at the floor trying to hide his embarassment muttering "oh yeah" shyly. Mickey slightly shook his head at Ian's bashfulness knowing Ian was far from shy at times and lightly patted the side of Ian's face with his other hand that wasnt under Ian's tshirt.

When Ian looked at him Mickey didnt care that he admitted "fucking love you" and he knew he meant it too. He knew he loved Ian for months but he was just too afraid to tell him that until today. Ian brightly grinned at that because he never thought anyone ever would love him until now. Ian lightly gripped Mickey's ribs with his fingers as he looked at him replying "love you too" firmly.

Mickey slightly grinned thinking if you told him a few years ago he would be here right now he would laughed for days and said you were out of your fucking mind. Mickey had enough of this and quickly sat up and wrapped his arms around Ian's shoulders before lying back down on the sofa pulling Ian down with him too. It happened too quickly and Ian wasnt expecting it so laughed as he slid his hands under Mickey's shoulders as he felt Mickey hug him tightly and put his legs flat on the sofa.

Ian let out a content sigh as he buried his face in Mickey's neck before moving his legs so he was now lying between Mickey's legs in a more comfortable positon. They both lay there in silence as Mickey realized just how much he loved it when Ian just lay on top of him and didnt move at all. He knew it was probably the same for Ian who was always lying on top of him any chance he got and he had no complaints about it at all.

A few moments passed before Ian looked at Mickey "how about you smoke some weed and I can get a contact high" humouredly. Mickey slightly shook his head as he laughed "why the fuck not and you know as well as I do you'll fucking smoke some of it" firmly. Ian slightly grinned at his boyfriend "never heard you complain before" as he slightly moved to the back of the sofa but still half lying on top of Mickey.

Mickey grabbed the joint and picked up the ashtray and the lighter that was on the floor and rested it on his stomach. Mickey lit up the joint and inhaled some of it trying his best to ignore the way Ian was looking at him with a smitten grin on his face. As usual Ian ended up smoking some of the joint and it was now finished and stubbed out in the ashtray that was now on the floor.

Mickey sighed as Ian moved to lie on top of him between his legs to which he wrapped his arms tightly around Ian's back as he felt the weed rush through his veins and he knew he was high not that he cared. He almost laughed at the way Ian just grinned at him before he kissed him and it wasnt long growing intense as they heavily kissed each other and touched each other all over. Mickey knew he probably had the same smitten look on his own face but he didnt care because it was only Ian who got to see that look on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last one. I was originally going to add it on to this one but I thought this chapter ended nicely on its own.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was hard finishing this story mainly because it didnt turn out the way I wanted it to, I'm not sure how I wanted it to turn out but I feel like I lost direction with it in the last few chapters. But I wasn't abandoning it because I hate leaving things unfinished and I also don't know how to quit especially if I've started something so here is the final chapter.

Mickey just felt so tired after a busy night at work and all he wanted to do was go to sleep. As he sat at the table in their apartment eating some left over food from the fridge he hated it was so silent. Normally Ian would be around making a bunch of noise or sitting right beside him eating a late dinner after work. He hated even more that Ian's meds had stopped working and he was in bed adjusting to a new combination.

Mickey noticed a gradual shift in Ian's mood as his boyfriend became more tired and withdrawn before falling into a depressive episode. He wanted to go into their room but when he did that earlier today Ian fought with him and told him to leave him alone. So Mickey very reluctantly did and hated himself for doing it but he wanted to show Ian he trusted him even if he was worried about him all night.

He hated himself for leaving even though Ian told him he hated being smothered and he didnt need a nurse. So Mickey respected what Ian wanted and left their apartment and he regretted it instantly. Now that he was home he still hated himself for leaving Ian on his own and he just hoped Ian would talk to him again. He hated even more that it was two years since Mandy died but he knew he would be okay since he was with Ian.

He thought over the past year knowing a lot of things had changed and he felt a lot different to how he felt a year ago. It was one whole year with Ian and sometimes Mickey felt like it was all a dream that he would wake up from at any moment. He was still struggling with everything over Mandy's death and he had gone through the worst of his depression even though he had up and down days.

He was starting to feel better again and he noticed that his time with Ian was the happiest he had ever been in a long time. He didnt actually ever remember being happy but now he felt like he was happy. He wasn't really sure about it because it was something he never felt before in his life. His whole life had been a struggle and pure survival considering his home life when Terry was around was just pure hell all the time.

It was a life of just pretending to be something he wasn't and making sure nothing gave him away in terms of being gay. It was something Terry could never find out and it just meant always watching his own movements, phrasing his words carefully and continuing the illusion that he was straight. But now he just felt like he was free of all that shit and living with Ian who he loved so much it scared him at times.

Even though Ian told him about being bipolar Mickey knew it was another thing to actually experience Ian having to go through hell when his meds stopped working. The first time Ian became manic again he didnt notice it until it was nearly too late but now he knew the warning signs. It scared him even more when he saw Ian in a depressive cycle a few days ago but he remembered Ian telling him what to do when that happened so Mickey almost dragged him to the clinic.

Mickey just hated having to see Ian struggle to adjust to his new medications mainly because Ian always wanted to be left alone. He didnt want to leave Ian alone but if he didnt it always resulted in a fight like today. Mickey finished eating his food before walking over to the kitchen sink and dumping the empty plate in it before grabbing a glass of water and going into their bedroom hoping Ian didnt tell him to fuck off. He shut the bedroom door behind him noticing Ian was buried under the covers facing the wall.

He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed lightly gripping Ian's bicep in his hand asking "hey you awake" curiously. He didnt get any answer and leaned over Ian to see he was asleep and Mickey just felt relieved as he rested his hand on the side of Ian's head hoping that the meds would balance out soon. He really hated seeing Ian go through all of this and hated that there was nothing he could do for Ian and he felt like he was doing everything wrong too.

He shook his head to get rid of the negative thoughts before taking off his jeans and throwing them on the floor. He flicked off the light switch before getting into bed and pulling the covers up under his chin while leaving a gap between his own body and Ian's knowing Ian liked his space. Mickey rested his hand in front of him while lightly touching Ian's back hoping Ian would know he was there before he fell asleep for the night.

* * *

 

Late the next morning Mickey woke up in the same position he fell asleep with his hand resting against Ian's back. He let out a yawn before rubbing his face with hand hoping Ian wouldn't fight with him today because he had been on the new medications for a few days so he knew Ian was going through the adjustment phase. He just hated having to back off but he also knew from their joint therapy sessions that he also needed to respect Ian's boundaries.

Another thing he hated was that when Ian was like this he always had a reason for why Mickey should leave and find someone better but he knew he would always reassure Ian he was staying for good. He silently looked at the back of Ian's head as he lightly gripped Ian's sleeveless black thsirt that he recognized as his own between his fingers. He wanted to move closer but he didnt knowing Ian preferred space when he was going through a medication adjustment.

He slightly grinned to himself when he noticed Ian was wearing one of his tshirts as he slept but he didnt care at all. They both gave up ages ago on who owned what so they always ended up wearing each other's clothes not that they cared and no would ever know about it. He was wearing Ian's tshirt too and its not like anyone noticed at work last night so he didnt care at all.

He knew he'd never tell Ian he just wanted to be closer to him considering how alone he felt over the last few days. When he looked up he saw Ian was now lying on his back wide awake and looking right at him so he took his hand away from Ian's side mumbling "hey" softly while hoping Ian didnt notice the wariness in his voice. Ian did notice it and he hated he was the cause of it and he didnt hide his guilty expression.

Ian turned to lie on his side and pulled the covers up under his chin as he looked at Mickey not hiding the guilt he felt from his face admitting "I'm sorry for being an asshole the last few days especially yesterday" softly. Mickey tried to glare at Ian but he couldn't do it knowing he could never be mad at Ian. He just really hated that Ian tried to push him away and he didnt hide the hurt in his voice or from his face "sick of you trying to break up with me when you are like this" softly.

Ian faltered and looked down at Mickey's chest slightly shaking his head in agreement whispering "I know" sadly. Mickey lightly kicked Ian's shin with his foot glaring at him as he tried to keep his voice level "so why the fuck do you keep pulling that shit, you always pick a fucking fight with me when I'm just trying to fucking help" but there was a hint of hurt and anger in his voice.

Ian noticed that and rubbed his face with his hand not hiding the sadness from his voice "I know, I hate it when I'm like that and I hate you seeing me like that" wetly. Ian really hated himself for it because all Mickey did was try to help him through his depression and he screamed and fought with his boyfriend to leave him alone. Mickey hated Ian was about to cry again and he internally punched himself for it because he was making Ian cry when he knew it wasn't Ian's fault.

Mickey tightly gripped Ian's wrist that rested between them on the bed as he looked over Ian's face and sad eyes that were full of water so he replied "we're not breaking up, I'm not fucking leaving and I'm sick of you fighting me on it and trying to make my choices for me" firmly. Ian looked right at Mickey and saw no trace of lie on his face as he sighed "okay" letting the words sink into his brain.

Mickey slightly smiled at Ian but it was gone as quick as it appeared and he hated seeing Ian so down on himself so he slightly laughed "you may just fucking accept it Ian, your not getting fucking rid of me, you had your chance way back when you gave me a fucking key" humouredly. Ian softly laughed while he looked at Mickey "I know" before letting out a tense sigh filled with relief that Mickey wasn't going anywhere.

A tense silence fell before Ian looked down at the way Mickey was holding his wrist between their bodies admitting with sadness "I just hate you have to see me like that, all depressed and then out of it until I adjust to the new meds, you shouldn't have to do it" lowly. Mickey just about heard it as he looked over Ian's tired face admitting "I knew what I was getting into when you told me all about it that night and when I said I'd be your emergency contact I fucking meant it then and I mean it now" firmly.

It was enough to make Ian realize that Mickey wasn't leaving and never would so he looked at Mickey hesitantly asking "really" softly. Mickey nodded and slightly grinned "yeah you're fucking stuck with me for life, its what you got yourself into" firmly. They both silently looked at each other before Ian laughed and whispered "yeah I did" knowing it wasn't a lie.

A comfortable silence fell until Ian asked "guess I should just stop trying to break up with you" lightly. Mickey lightly punched Ian's stomach with his other hand while looking at his idiot boyfriend admitting "yeah you should" firmly. Ian shyly grinned as he looked downwards muttering "yeah" softly knowing he could be an idiot at times. Mickey silently looked at Ian before grabbing his wrist and pulling Ian towards him muttering "come here" lightly.

Ian let himself be pulled towards Mickey so their foreheads were pressed together. Ian rested his head against Mickey's as they both fell into another silence and he noticed that Mickey still had a tight grip on his wrist. It was enough for Ian to realize that Mickey definitely wasn't going anywhere. He also knew he needed to stop with the self sabotage as he muttered "I love you" in a whisper not hiding how much he meant it.

Mickey just about heard it and lightly patted the side of Ian's head as he looked at him replying "love you too" firmly and he didnt hide how much he meant the words. Ian let his eyes close again while he burrowed closer to his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around his back pulling them right up against each other in their warm bed. Ian couldn't stop thinking about what Mickey just told him and he felt so bad over trying to push his boyfriend away and saying all those horrible things over the last few days.

He also just felt relieved that Mickey wasn't going anywhere which he had proved every times his meds needed to be changed to a new combination. He knew he needed to stop creating reasons for them to break up because he didnt want to be the cause of it by pushing Mickey away every time things got too hard with his disorder. He knew the past year had been the happiest he had ever been in a long time and he knew he didnt want to lose Mickey.

That fear he had that Mickey would walk away one day was starting to grow smaller the more they spent time together. Ian knew it was just nice to not be alone anymore and he just wanted to live his life with his best friend and boyfriend all rolled into his favourite person. He knew being alone and people abandoning him was something he was always afraid of and now there was one person who wasn't going anywhere.

It just scared him at times that Mickey wasn't leaving and he almost felt like it were too good to be true. He had long given up on being happy and now that he was happy he was scared it would all go wrong. But he knew if it did then he only had himself to blame with his self sabotage so he decided that from now on it stopped because he wanted what he had right now a lot more.

He felt Mickey rubbing his hand along his ribs and he felt comforted by it and let out a tired sigh and tightened his arms that were wrapped around his favourite person. Mickey silently looked over Ian's face as he pushed his leg between Ian's trying but failing to hate the way Ian was pressed up against him from head to toe. He wouldn't admit it to Ian but he loved when Ian was all over him like right now.

He always kept his distance in their bed over the last few days knowing that Ian wanted to be left alone. So Mickey gave Ian what he wanted which was space even if he hated doing it. When he looked up at Ian's face he slightly grinned at the way Ian was looking right at him so he scoffed "the fuck you looking at" hating that Ian was always staring at him so intensely. Ian looked over his face as he decided to just ignore the negative whispers in his head.

Ian cleared his throat a little before forcing out "I'm glad you came to the bar that night" shyly. Mickey frowned as he looked at Ian before he realized what Ian meant so he slightly laughed "the first night we met" curiously. Ian nodded "yeah" softly. Mickey lightly shoved Ian with his arm while slightly grinning at him "yeah me too" firmly. Another comfortable silence fell before Ian whispered "you look happy" lightly.

Mickey froze at that because he wasn't sure if he was at times hesitantly asking "you think so" curiously. Ian nodded a little "yeah you look different then when I first met you" softly as he lightly rubbed Mickey's back with his hand. Mickey rested his hand on Ian's ribs before shyly admitting "think I am, at least with you anyway, dont feel so depressed anymore, still have bad days but not as much as before" and he didnt really care that he admitted it too.

Ian's face lit up but he fought back a grin replying "same here with you, thought I'd always be alone you know" not hiding the fear in his voice. Mickey noticed it and he didnt look away from Ian "yeah I do" not adding that he didnt think he would alive right now if he hadn't met Ian that night. Ian cleared his throat before hesitantly admitting "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, I know its two years since Mandy was killed, you had to go through that on your own again and I couldn't help because I was depressed and on new meds too" and he didnt hide the guilt from his voice.

Mickey wasn't having it and tightly gripped Ian's ribs as he looked at him replying "quit it with that shit, its not your fault, it just happened, its not like you can fucking control it" firmly. Ian looked at Mickey and saw he meant it so he whispered "yeah okay" but he didnt really feel any better about it. Mickey slid his hand down Ian's waist before he rested it on Ian's hip hesitating before forcing out "I don't really think about it that much anymore, what happened isn't my fault and I'm just starting to accept it for what it is, don't blame myself for it anymore" softly not adding you helped a lot with accepting it too.

Ian softly smiled "that's good" firmly and he didnt hide how happy he was for his boyfriend. Mickey rubbed his hand on Ian's hip while looking at his chest before shyly admitting "was too busy looking after your ass to fall back into that self loathing and blame shit that I did last year" lightly. Mickey frowned as he looked at Ian "shit I didnt mean it that way" and he hated he couldn't get the words right in his head.

Ian looked at Mickey quickly replying "I know you didnt, I was a distraction, something for you to focus on, I know you weren't pitying me or being mad at me" firmly. Mickey slightly laughed as he looked at Ian wondering how Ian always seemed to understand him so well but he knew they always had been able to read each other without actually saying a word to each other.

Another comfortable silence fell before Mickey admitted "I want to move on with my life, she's not coming back and there's nothing I can fucking do about it" firmly and he was surprised he wasn't as sad about it as he was in the past. Ian was lightly sleeping and opened his eyes to look at Mickey replying "she'd want you to move on, she'd probably hit you if she knew you weren't living your life" humouredly.

Mickey laughed before scoffing "fucking right she would" firmly and he knew it was the truth because Mandy never took shit from him when she was alive and she would expect nothing less just because she was dead. Mickey didnt know what it was about Ian but everything was just so easy with him even thought they fought from time to time. But those fights and arguments never lasted too long but then they were best friends first and they wanted each other a lot more than some stupid fight.

Mickey rubbed his face with hand before looking at Ian blurting out "can we just move on starting now" lightly. Ian shyly grinned as he whispered "yeah" firmly. Ian pulled Mickey closer to him even though there was no space left between them as they lay there in silence. It wasn't long before Ian groaned "I'm tired and its time for meds" in a disgruntled tone.

Mickey looked at him as he trailed his hand along Ian's spine while hating that Ian was wearing a sleeveless tshirt because he liked when Ian was shirtless and pressed against him "so go get them and get back in here and make me some pancakes too" humouredly. Ian frowned at him while he scoffed "do it yourself" tiredly. Mickey softly laughed "yeah okay since your lazy ass wont get up" humouredly.

Ian rolled his eyes with a small grin on his face and closed his eyes when he felt Mickey hug him tightly and lightly kiss his forehead. He almost groaned when Mickey left the bed and he opened his eyes to see his boyfriend pull on some jeans before leaving the room. Mickey left the room and walked into the kitchen while letting out a sigh realizing he really was happy and in some way it felt okay to be happy because he knew Mandy would have wanted him to be happy.

Strangely he felt okay with everything and so much had changed since he met Ian that night at the bar and he felt like his life was his own again. He didnt want go back to that self loathing and avoiding people and blaming himself for something he had no control over. He was done replaying everything in his head about the day Mandy was killed because he finally realized there was nothing he could have done.

He knew Ian played a huge part in him accepting that it was a horrible situation that ended in a bad way. He realized that when Ian asked him what could he have changed about that day. Mickey knew that when Terry was involved then it would have ended in someone being killed either him or Mandy or whoever got in his way. He knew Terry would always get his way and if he didnt kill Mandy then Terry would have killed him for being gay.

He was learning to accept that Mandy died protecting him even though he never wanted that protection but he knew she would want him to live his life and be happy with Ian. So that's what he was going to do at least very reluctantly but he was going to try and he knew Ian would be helping him too. He slightly grinned to himself knowing no one was around to see it when he felt Ian wrap his arms around him from behind where he stood at the fridge.

He slightly laughed as he turned around to wrap his arms around Ian's waist as he looked at him "thought you weren't getting up" lightly and there was no judgement at all. Ian slightly nodded as he looked back at him "needed to get up and move" tiredly. Mickey kissed Ian on the lips before he softly looked at Ian muttering "go make coffee bitch" humouredly.

Ian softly looked at his boyfriend while he laughed "yeah okay" before walking away to make some coffee feeling glad everything was back to normal or close to it for now. As they made breakfast in silence and Ian took his meds they stole glances at each other both thinking they were so lucky to have met each other and in small way Mandy brought them together.

When they got their food and coffee ready they moved over to the sofa to watch TV for a while as they stole glances at each other and caught each other looking at the other person. Mickey looked over at Ian who was watching the TV and he knew he just wanted to be with Ian all the time and he also knew it was the same for Ian too.

Even though he doubted everything between them from time to time Ian was always quick to reassure him that things were okay between them and always would be. Mickey knew Ian meant a lot to him because Ian made him not want to die anymore. He gave him a reason to live and see that life really was worth living and he knew he would be missing out on all of this if he killed himself before he met Ian.

But he also knew it was same for Ian as they both admitted that one night as they lay in bed having sex and talking about everything and anything until they fell asleep from exhaustion. Mickey didnt realize he was staring at Ian who was looking at him asking "the fuck you looking at" curiously. Mickey blinked and slightly laughed and didnt look away admitting "not a thing" humouredly before going back to eating his syrup covered pancakes.

Ian shoved Mickey with his shoulder while mocking "if you say so" not wanting to say I caught you staring at me. Ian went back to eating the rest of his food when he heard "don't think I haven't noticed you staring at me either asshole" lightly. Ian softly laughed knowing it was true as he put his empty plate on table in front of him replying "whatever" not caring that he admitted it as he sat back on the sofa.

Mickey rolled his eyes and shyly grinned to himself as he ate the rest of his food knowing he could never hate the effect Ian had on him at all. Mickey glanced at Ian again to see Ian looking away from him so he slightly laughed to himself thinking life with Ian was pretty fucking good and probably always would be not that he had any complaints. Ian also had the same line of thought and didnt have any complaints either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose to end this with Mickey being happy even though he still struggles with depression and his grief over Mandy. I don't want to show that he just got over it and is no longer depressed even though he isn't as bad as he was but is still struggling and working on becoming happy again. Its an ongoing process with depression and moving on from traumatic events and I hope that came across in the story. I guess I feel like I've just trivialized Mickey's depression and grief which wasn't my intention at all.
> 
> Also I was expecting this story to be largely ignored because I'm now that horrible writer that killed Mandy in a story or maybe its just me that thinks that. I love Mandy and this story felt empty without her because she is in every one of my stories but it was just an idea I wanted to explore because I think Terry would have no problem killing her in canon. But it wasn't ignored.
> 
> Finally thank you for reading the story, commenting, giving it kudos or just reading it and leaving without doing any of those things. I hoped you enjoyed reading the story.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and hope you liked it.


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